Late Night Thoughts

Was I too much of a woman?

I swallowed my demons and fell for you anyways, knowing the consequences of love.

I was vulnerable, attentive, engulfed in who I thought you were, only to be let down again in the end.

After a while, I realized that there wasn't much I could have done to keep us together. I could have continued to pull, sure, but what would that have done?

You were closed off worse than a locked screen. I could see you but you would never open up for me fully, no matter how hard I pushed and pulled.

I slipped right from your fingertips, or did you ever truly have me? Did I truly ever have you?

I guess we'll never really know now.

At times I miss you. You were my best friend, at least I thought so; but is it that I really miss you? Us? Or is it the habits that seemed to have grown?

The late night talks, the wondering what you were doing, the filling of time until we could speak again ... Friends, to best friend, to lovers. But I loved you more ... From the very beginning.

For me, it was never enough time. For you, it was always enough of everything. I could have filled my time with all of you ... All the time, but you'll never truly know what that feels like with someone.

Trust issues...

In the end, I was always the nasty one. I was just like your dad, an abusive drunk, or just like my mom, an abusive sober woman ... The one that never listened, the condescending and manipulative one, the one that was never wrong ... But what did that say about you?

For me to be your future wife and mother of your future kids you sure said a lot of things but showed up for none of it. Hid behind your video games and wise words that sounded so sweet, but no actions ever came from them ... Unless it was opening doors, which you were trained to do at a young age.

If I was such a monster, then where was the said love from the start?

I was only there to fill your lonely nights. To rub your neck when it hurt. To be your pillow when you needed someone ... Anyone ... Except, I'm not those things.

You couldn't handle the woman and expectations in me. So it was my fault for being too strong, too vocal, too passionate, too educated, too wise to your ways, for calling you out on your shit because no one else had...

So take your shit. Take your excuses, after excuses, after excuses. Take your false love and opening my car door just so you can say you're "chivalrous." Take your nonexistent plans and your lazy all day every day ways. Take your video games and "moments of silence" because you never have anything to say to me anyways. Take your "we talk all the time" and your "I call you more than you call me." Take your false love expressed in false words shown by buying me food, having sex with me, and never knowing how to communicate or even try to understand when I say that I feel lonely when you are sitting right next to me...

...

The truth is, I feel bad for you. I wish you could have felt my love because it is so strong, and it was so strong for you, but you aren't the one that is supposed to have it. So now I'll grieve yet another broken relationship, and another broken man. Be thankful that I never got married or pregnant, and move on to become an even more badass chick than I already am.

Reality check: I am better off by myself.