Laying Down the Line in Relationships

I don’t really know how to write this post. I mean, there’s probably a million angles I could take with this, but honestly I’m not sure where to start. Honestly, that’s because I’m still learning how to set boundaries in my life. But what I am sure of is that I know that I have an inconceivable amount of worth, and because of that, I can set the standard for how I let people treat me. Because I know that I have value, on this planet and in the Kingdom of God, I don’t have to let people treat me however they want.

I’m a Christian, so I am a firm believer that I get my value not only from what I think of me, but what God thinks about me. And I know that He holds me at a super high price, because of the price that Christ paid on Calvary. So I always walk around with a knowledge that I am loved, no matter what.

However, it’s one thing for me to know I have worth, it’s another thing to actually act out that belief and actually show people how I want to be treated. Some of you reading might not hold my same beliefs, and that’s okay. But, one thing you need to understand is that you are worthy of respect and you are worthy of love, and because of that, you also need to decide what it is you will and will not put up with. I am in my mid twenties and still learning how to determine how I want people to treat me, and I am picking up some techniques along the way to do just that.

In order for people to know that you value yourself, you have to lay down the line when you’re first getting to know them. For instance, I happen to be vegetarian. I’m not one to preach vegetarianism to other people—if you’re a meat eater, I’ll respect that. I also expect the same. So if I’m at the table eating a veggie burger and you’re eating a salsberry steak, I don’t want to hear some big speech on why meat reigns supreme on the nutrition scale. Respect me in my life style, because I sure as hell will respect you in yours. The moment someone begins to belittle and berate my lifestyle is when I'm going to tell them: "Please respect the way I live." Otherwise, the conversation will be finito. Friendships are a different story.

If I could count the number of times I've had to tell friends to respect my boundaries, I'd be a rich woman. If I could count the number of times I've actually done it, well... my wallet would be screaming. Friendships, at least from my experience, can be the hardest relationships to set boundaries in. Why? I think it's because a lot of times we fall into the trap of valuing friendship over well being. I was spending the night in with some friends once when one of them asked to use my laptop. Now, I spent my hard earned savings on Rosa (yes I name my electronics, go ahead, judge). I thought "Okay, sure, why not?" SO, I handed her my laptop and everything was fine until she was holding it a certain way that wasn't good for the spine of the laptop. You'd think it's not a big deal for me, right? But internally I was thinking: "Okay, I really don't want to make a fuss out of this... but that's my laptop!" So, respectfully I told her, "Um, please be careful how you hold Rosa, she's delicate!" How'd she respond? She respected my wishes and started to treat Rosa with better care. Did I have to yell at her? No. I carried myself tactfully enough to recognize that I do value the friendship, but I also valued the hard work I put into getting that laptop. So, instead of losing one or the other, I made sure that I kept the friendship AND my laptop without a) flying off the handle and b) being a doormat. Don't think I've perfected this skill yet, because I haven't. But I'm getting pretty close. Family, on the other hand... ten times HARDER!!!!

Why is it that it is soooooo hard to get family members to respect my personal boundaries? Maybe it's because I'm closest with them. Maybe, because being raised in a Christian home, respecting elders emphasized a lot, and so sometimes I've mistaken that for just letting my parents have full reign no matter what. But in recent years, I have learned that can be just as dishonoring, if not more. If I don't speak up for my beliefs and needs as a young adult, my parents will never truly know who I am and therefore won't know how to respect me. Of course, they love and support me, but if I'm not honest with them about what I need from the relationship, they just won't know. So, I have had to learn to prioritize my life goals and my needs, while informing them that I can't just drop what I'm doing ALL of the time to spend time with or help them. Does that mean I'm not there for them? No. It does mean that I have to tell them when I have other priorities. For example, if my mom really wants to have a deep emotional talk with me, but I just got home from work and I have no mental energy whatsoever, I just let her know, "Mom, I would love to have this talk with you. Let's do it once I'm rested and you have my full attention." It's not rude, it's not disrespectful, and I'm being honest with her about what my needs are in that moment, while letting her know that I value her time.

Setting interpersonal boundaries can be a hard feat, but it's doable. I know a lot of times it can be easier to just wave the white flag and let people take advantage, but recognize that you have great worth. Valuing relationships also comes along with knowing your internal worth; if you value the relationship, be honest about who you are and what your needs are by setting your standards.