Learn How to Love Losing

Back in June, I started talking with this girl over Instagram. I messaged her after she requested to follow me, and it took her two weeks to finally reply. When she did, I didn’t even know who she was, and I even forgot that I messaged her because my mind was in high school and graduation. When she did though, we kept talking, and her response times would shorten down from a day, to a couple of hours, to an hour, to a couple of minutes, and finally an instant reply. We talked over Instagram direct messages for a good month.

One day I had been drinking a lot, and at the time I was only 17. I told her that I hated my life, and that I just wanted to end it because of the personal things that was happening to me at the time. I wanted to talk to her, and that the only way I wouldn’t kill myself was if I heard her voice, so she added me on Snapchat and we talked with each other. Even though I was drunk, her voice felt so gentle and loving, and I guess you can say that I fell in love her right away.

Throughout the months we were talking, I got to know her as a person, and she was such a cool girl. I learned something about her that completely took me by surprised, and when I found out about this, I kept having major anxiety everyday that I was going to lose her. We talked almost everyday on the phone at night, and we would fall asleep on the phone listening to each other’s voices. We said we loved each other, but throughout the months, it was falling apart. I couldn’t blame her, she lives far away from me, and it couldn’t work. I remember crying at random moments in the day fearing that I was going to lose her.

We stopped talking after five months. It was in December of 2017 when we stopped texting and calling each other. I wasn’t surprised or anything like that, and I never got the closure of why we stopped talking. I remember not crying that day we stopped talking, and I haven’t cried because of her since. I’m kind of glad that I stopped talking with her because I always said that we should see each other in the summer, and my mind couldn’t wait that long to see her, so my anxiety and depression were through the roof during those times. Now since we stopped talking, my mind has been freed, and I no longer hold that anxiety that I had for her.

If I could tell her one thing to her today, it would be, “Thank you for saving my life.” If it wasn’t for her giving me hope in those short five months when we were talking, I don’t think I would be here typing this story for whoever is reading it. I don’t hate her for finding someone else (she did find someone else), or if it was my unstable mind that ruined it. As long as she’s happy, there’s nothing to be mad about.

I guess the moral of this story is to not be afraid of losing something because you will never know what you will gain from it. At first you might not know what it is, but throughout time, you will figure what it meant, just how I did through this experience. I wish you the best luck in your endeavors...