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Learn to Be

Rather Than Have Been

By Alexis ViaPublished 6 years ago 4 min read
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We spend so much of our life thinking, dreaming and visualizing our soul mate. We ponder the idea of where we will live, what careers we will have and what our children will be like. But with that, we also spend entirely way too much time DOING. What I mean by that is we are constantly DOING what we think it takes to have a successful relationship. Whether it’s to do this or don’t do that, either way, we are constantly trying to PLEASE someone. Through this process, we forget to enjoy love in its purest form.

People learn to make excuses along the way... Excuses like, “We just fell out of love,” or “I just fell out of love with him because I fell in love too fast. I didn’t see the true him.” Now, just sit back and think about how ridiculous that sounds.”Falling” is an accident, when do we ever fall on purpose (don’t answer that). How many times do to hear someone say, “I just fell out of my car,” or “I accidentally fell and kissed them.” Same thing. We don’t "fall" in love, in a literal sense, so we can’t fall out of love. It’s a choice. It’s a commitment.

I once heard that a relationship is about giving not receiving and once we understand that, we will gain the greatest gift of all. Although I believe this full heartedly, there is a very fine line between giving and people -pleasing. When we start seeking pleasure rather than focusing on providing, we naturally turn people into instruments that are meant to satisfy us when relationships are supposed to sharpen us. Something is bound to break and end up hurting you when you use it in a way it was never meant to be used. My pastor, Rich Wilkerson once said, “We tend to choose fate not faith, convenience over commitment, and feelings not facts,” and he couldn’t be more right.

We spend unnecessary time, worrying if they’ve fallen out of love with us or if they are hiding something. We spend minutes, hours, days... pondering how we can make them happy, yet when we don’t even realize we already do—without trying. Worrying, anxiety, and constant overthinking create a bad habit of constantly trying to fix something and make it better when it isn’t even broken. We do all of this work and waste all of this time in order to get our happily ever after. The truth is a happy ending doesn’t exist in any relationship if it is a real relationship (don’t stop reading quite yet).

I say this because true love doesn’t have an end destination. If it’s an instant-worthy, wedding your chasing after, you will one day realize after that day has come and gone, so is the excitement and passion in your relationship. Love is an ongoing journey between you and someone else. This journey consists of roadblocks, accidents, potholes and so much more. Stop focussing on where you're heading. As cliche as it sounds (and is), trash the map and follow your feelings. If you spend too much time figuring out where you should be heading, you will miss the view along with way.

The only real way to embrace a pure, true, realistic type of love is to just BE in the moment while appreciating the small things, acknowledging the big things and loving the good and bad for all it’s worth.

If we want our relationships to be healthy we must have the right perspective of love. Long lasting love, isn’t a fairy tale. It’s not the materialist gifts or a ring on your left hand; it isn’t grand gestures or posts on social media. Love is patient, kind, forgiving, slow to anger and quick to forgive, it is understanding and judgment-free, it is passionate and undeniably beautiful. To experience that kind of love, learn to BE rather than to have been. Live in the moments most people look past—the moments that are often scary and messy. My advice to you: stop falling in love with the wrong people and start being in love with the right one! It’s is in that moment, you will find true bliss.

*To the man who taught me what it was like to truly live in the moment of being in love. Thank you. Xoxo.

love
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About the Creator

Alexis Via

I’m just an ordinary girl, with a story I once thought wasn’t worth sharing because being alone in my head was easier.

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