Learning Love

There are very few things people need to know about me to understand my choices. The most important thing, however, is that I do not think things through before I do them. I am very, "If it feels right, go with it. And if it doesn't work out, acknowledge that you should have thought it through first and think a little more next time."

It was in November of 2017 that I met Kevin and it was December of 2017 when I moved in with him, which I now realize was probably something I should have thought more about before I actually did it. Like I said before, though, I don't think. I am now living with a man that I care for greatly, and he feels the same way. The reason that I am not saying "that I love greatly" is, although I do have the feeling of love for him, I am still learning what love even is.

When I was younger I thought love was what happened in fairy tales. I thought every woman was a princess waiting for her prince. Now that I'm older when I think about the "ever after" of those fairy tales I feel as though a lot of those princes and princesses got divorced after a few months because really, why on earth would you marry someone based on a glass slipper? I know of no woman who would ever even think about going out with a guy who kissed her in her sleep without even talking to her first. That's legit sexual assault.

Once I was in my pre-teen/young teen age I decided that love was a feeling between two individuals, but now I realize that I was thinking about lust, which is very different from love. See, lust is having a strong physical attraction to someone, which is what most relationships start off on. If you're not physically attracted to someone chances are you're not going to ask them out. Which is why "love at first sight" is a joke, because you're really just lusting after someone.

When I was 15 is when I came out of the closet and I thought that love is what people search for to be happy. This theory was way off because I am still young now, but three years is a good amount of time to change your perspective. I say this because now, in my mind, love is not a happy thing. It can make you feel happy, but there's a broader range of emotions than just happy.

This is my new theory on love; love comes in phases. Phase one: lust. If I hadn't have thought that Kevin was attractive I would have never gone out with him and vice versa. I know this is true because we met on Tinder and I feel like it's pretty safe to use that statement as evidence that we are both physically attracted to one another. If we weren't, either one or both of us would have swiped left.

Phase two: honeymoon. Many people have heard of this term, I think. This is the time when it's all kisses, hugs, love letters, future plans, etc. Kevin and I skipped this part because in all actuality we are very damaged people who are not good at showing outwards emotions. In past relationships, however, for me this is usually the make or break point. Once you're towards the end of this juncture you realize whether or not you genuinely want to be with this person or if you just don't want to be lonely.

After lust it transitions into phase three: pre-love. I got into this aspect when we packed up all of my stuff and drove back to our apartment singing along to Taylor Swift's "Back To December." I knew I was past lust because the night before Kevin had shaved off his beard into a goatee and even though I wasn't very fond of it, but I still liked him. In the pre-love phase you still feel giddy every time you hold your partner's hand but you can hide it because you're past the "honeymoon phase."

Now after the lust, honeymooning, and pre-love, you get to the most difficult part of getting to love. Phase four: doubt. This is the part, at least in my mind, that is the most difficult for any couple to overcome. You start thinking, "am I really ready to commit?" or, "are they the one?" most of all, "is this going too fast?" Now, right from the get go, Kevin and I both acknowledged that things were going insanely quick. I mean for crying out loud, we hadn't even been together for a whole month before we moved in.

Keeping in mind that we are both damaged people who have been through more than our share of bad relationship and people experiences, we both had a lot of doubt. I can't say what his were because he has never told me about them, but my big one was "can I handle getting hurt again?" The answer was no. The funny thing about phase four though is that there's this sub-phase to it. Phase four-and-a-half: trust.

I can tell you the exact moment that trusted Kevin. I had just told him a small part of my #tragicbackstory because it just kind of came up in conversation. However it was also 10:00 PM and I still had to drive an hour and a half home so I could work in the morning, because at the time I wasn't fully living with him. I acted as if what I had told him was not a big deal and started to walk away to go home and he told me something along the lines of, "I can see through your 'too tough to care' act." It was at that moment that I broke like I never have in my life and cried. Instead of laughing, judging me, or telling me to stop he just held me and put me to bed. He has proved time over time in many different ways how trustworthy he is, but whenever I doubt our relationship I think back to that moment, and I know in both my heart and my brain that everything will be okay.

It was just four nights ago that I reached the fifth and final phase: love. Kevin and I have told each other that we love each other a thousand times over, although it was not until the night of January 20th that I fully understood how big of a word love is. I knew this because even though I've been acting like a crazy lady and my mind told me, "Just go, he doesn't want you here, you're wasting your time," he still held me and told me I wasn't going anywhere because my home was with him and nowhere else. And we cried and held each other.

Like I said before, 15-year-old me was slightly right about the feeling of happiness that comes with love; there is a wider range of emotions than just happiness when it comes to love however. In this incredibly brief time I have spent with Kevin I have felt happiness, an overwhelming sense of joy, anger, fear, sadness, and some emotions that I can't even name. Why? Because if you truly love someone they should be able to occasionally put you through hell and back, drive you insane, make you laugh when you're mad at them, make you tear out your hair, and so much more. They can do this because if you didn't love them, you would leave due to the whirlwind of emotions. Not everyone is worth all of that effort.

So to me, at this point in time, I think love is not this whimsical aura that comes and goes but it is a constant; it is constant so long as you find the right person. It has it's good and bad days but you stick with it because the reward in the end isn't just some cliched "best friend for life," it's a camaraderie of two people just doing their best together but you both being okay with that. Most of the time it's just a feeling of calm and safety, knowing that someone is there for you and always has your back. They'll take care of you in sickness, drunkenness, mental illness, or even if you're 100% fine but just need a hug. They text your mum because they know she worries and you probably don't keep her updated very well. They push you to be your best because they know that you're capable of great things and believe in you. They'll hold you when you're being crazy, and make sure you know that you're home is with only them. They change your world not necessarily into a place of wonder, but into a place that's slightly more comfortable to exist in.