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Learning to Live With Loving Someone You Can't Be With

Break-ups.

One day I hope and pray I meet someone who makes me realise and proves to me I did the right thing in walking away. 

I spent 16 months of my life with someone I fell in love with. I never told him I fell in love with him, because at the time, I wasn't sure what being 'in love' felt like...it wasn't till we broke up I realised. And then when I tried to tell him, he told me it was 'bull****', that hurt. I'd never had a long term relationship before and now I'm not sure I ever want one again. I never realised how much breaking up from a long term partner would affect me mentally, emotionally and physically. 

I wasn't exactly happy all the time, he would tell me how to wear my make up, how to dress, what shoes to wear, and dug at me about traits of my personality a lot. I spent many a evening/morning/weekend arguing and crying over him. I knew that's not how relationships should be, rows and tears, but I adored him. I thought he felt the same, he told me he did. 

One night he did something to me unforgivable. So the next morning I walked away from him and our relationship, I told him it's over. He begged me to see him again so I went 'round Feb 14th 2017 and I've not seen him since. Even though I walked away and left the relationship, I went back to him, however 3 WEEKS, YES 3 WEEKS after we broke up he had a new girlfriend. 2 weeks after we had broken up he went on a few dates and 3 weeks later a girlfriend. And you'd think at that point I'd let him go. 

I spent more nights than ever crying. Listening to our song, sobbing my heart out, crying myself to sleep, wondering why he'd lied to me for 16 months. He didn't love me, he couldn't have. He wouldn't have a new girlfriend in 3 weeks if he loved me. I cried about how worthless I felt. How the biggest part of my life was now gone. How he was all I wanted. I hated him for getting a new girlfriend, but I couldn't help but still love him, in spite of everything. 

Since we broke up I got tonsillitis and glandular fever. I took up running which helped with some weight loss which made me feel amazing. However nothing covers up how I feel about him. I put on a fake smile every single day, still do. No one knows and can understand how much I'm hurting. How worthless I feel. How betrayed and lied to I feel. Why me? Why did he choose me to do this to? 

Today I still run (although I keep eating too much so I'm putting on weight!) and I keep faking that smile. He's still with his girlfriend. I don't text him anymore and I've blocked him on FB. I'm making progress and everyday that I don't cry over him is a successful day for me. I'm learning to live without him, 9 months on. How is it girls always suffer from the heartbreak so much more than the guys? I hate myself for still loving him, but I've got to the point now where I've accepted I'm going to have feelings for him forever and I just have to learn how to live with those feelings. I hope one day I meet someone who makes me realise this break up was for the best...maybe...one day. 

Rant over. If this helps anyone feel less alone with feelings of a break up, I'm glad I've written it. 

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