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"Everything Happens For A Reason: The Reason May Be Something That You Already Know, Or It Will Come Soon" ~ Me.
To me, reconnecting to an old friend is something that I like to do. When I haven't seen, called, or texted that person in a while, I start to think about them more until something happens, whether it's them replying to my texts or missed phone calls or when stepping outside to see them. Over the past few months I learned something really simple: Some people just don't want to see you. And that made me think — it made me think a hell of a ton. My mind goes way back to the last place I was with that person and it makes me feel sad or mad over the simple little mistakes that I didn't mean to make that day. It makes me feel weak and that I could've done something, but I didn't.
I knew this girl once — we had met in 7th grade, and we basically had every class together. It was me, her, and one of my best friends, Daemoya. Now, for the sake of not having the girl's name out in the public without her consent, I'm going to call her R. Yes, just the letter R. Now, R and I connected in a way that was good. It was probably one of the best friendships I had. I told her everything, we would hang out, go to the mall, and I would have dinner with her family. Hell, her mum loved me, treated me like her own child. Me and R were really close. We told each other everything, and we even stayed up til 6 o'clock in the morning, just talking about stupid shit and our ugly past. It was great, and I really needed that. R was like my savior when it came to my personal life. But then, all those moments faded as R started to date my brother. My brother and R had met way before I did, just the year before. I thought that they were only friends, but it turned out that they liked each other a lot, which made mine and R's relationship really hard because I liked R, too. R was there when I had trouble figuring out my sexuality and she was there to help me get through it. Back then, I probably wouldn't be a proud gay as I am today, thanks to her. Sorry, back to the story:
R knew that I liked her. She even said that she liked me back too, but she was confused on what would happen and how it would happen. I understood. I mean, I was the same way months before. But the one thing that scared me was how she forgot all about me. Now, I'm not going to get to much into detail because I haven't told anybody this much before, so, consider yourself lucky. She hung out more with my brother than me, forgot to text and say hello in the morning — left me alone.
A few months later, R and my brother split up. It just wasn't working out, and I felt bad for my brother more then R. R was a selfish bastard. She honestly wasn't good enough for my little brother. I ended up turning on her, causing tons of fights on my part and even moments where I would sit down and cry or think to much about her. All the months that went by caused me to think of her and remember those happy memories that we had. I wanted to connect to her again. So, guess what I did. I picked up my phone, clicked my Instagram app and typed in her username, and started a chat. It took her a while to reply but she did, and a little bit of joy popped up, making me feel happy.
I told her that I missed hanging out with her and that I would like to see her again, but that it would be a little to awkward to do that. And she said the same, but as in: "Uh, well, okay. And yea, it would be awkward.... Um, but yea, maybe we can figure something out." My joy went down and I got a little sad — hell, even a little mad. But could I really blame her?
So I messaged her back: "You cool with that?"
"Um, yea, I don't see a huge problem with it."
My heart broke from her again. And you, reader, probably don't see the problem within these words, right? Well, let me tell you: the number of "um" in those two sentences, her seeing a little problem, and the fact that she has never, ever, acted like this through messaging or even me being face to face with her. After that message from her, I had to think, think really hard. I straight up told her that I have to go and said goodbye. I put my phone down and thought: does she really want to see me again? Or is she tired my bullshit? After gaining this outcome, my eyes really opened up and the words filled me up: People change. I never thought that it would ever come to this point but, I can't change the outcomes. I can't change anything that was in the pass and I can't damn well lose somebody like this again.
The lesson here that I have noticed within my thoughts and to tell you about is that some people just don't want to see you anymore. They have changed a lot over the time that you two have been apart. So, if you text and call someone that you haven't seen or talked to in years or months, remember that people change for the better. Don't blame yourself, don't wish you could do it over again, and don't be sad over it. Someone better will come into your life and make it better.
I hope that this first entry has helped you, and it did for me. And if you need to talk, my Instagram is always available: @itsyourbeautifuldemonky. If you ever decide to message, let me know that you are from Vocal. I would really appreciate it. :)