Letter to My Ex

To my ex:

The times that I think about you get less and less. I am 99.9 percent over you. The .1 percent I don't think will ever go away. I will always have love for you. But I am not in love with you. I also don't care for you the way I did anymore. It still amazes me that someone who was such a big part of your life just becomes a face you know in the crowd and distant memories. That you go from talking every second of every day before you even got together, to not talking at all.

I never experienced anything like this before. As it was known, you were my first boyfriend, and in turn...my first heartbreak. It was one hell of a ride, but I don't regret our relationship. It taught me that I was able to love someone, despite all odds, and no matter the situation. Loving someone in such a way, or at all, was something that I didn't think I would ever be capable to do.

But it also blinded me. The longer that we are apart, the more flags start to smack me in the face of all that was wrong that I turned a blind eye to. In turn there were also some very obvious things that led to where we are now. But in those wrongs, I know what to look out for next time. I hope that you learned your fair share of lessons in this yourself. I hope that, one day, you don't make the same mistakes that have been made in our relationship and that you grow.

But before you find someone new, my biggest wish for you is that you match the effort other people put in to you don't leave them second-guessing and wondering if you really loved them. If you even loved me, I don't even know anymore...but it doesn't matter. I want you to put the bottle down, spend less time in your room, and enjoy your family more. Your family is fantastic and I miss them more than I miss you.

At this, you are going to get very angry but please, please, please just try to find a way to be there for your son more. No one in this world needs you more than what that little boy does. I admit I went about the situation in a very wrong way, but my words were intended to hurt back then to open your eyes, because you can do a lot better by him. It still breaks my heart that I can count on one hand how many times he has been over in the year that we were together.

I know it's not my place anymore to say these things, but you can't be a father when it's only convenient for you. You need to make your room more of a home to him. It is sad that I had to sit on the floor going through garbage bags of his clothes that have been sitting in your room on the floor for months next to bags of beer cans and bottles. Going through those clothes, getting rid of the ones that didn't fit, folded them and put them away. What is even sadder is the plastic-covered toddler mattress just plopped in the center of the floor that you expected your nine-year-old son to sleep on that I had to replace with a daybed, which is no better, but it was something he could at least be comfortable on.

You say that I don't know what it's like to be a parent and calling you a shitty father is unforgivable. But the way I see it is that I did more for your son in one year than you have done in the nine years of you being a father.

I risked everything we had, and I sincerely do not care anymore that I did. You know you can be there more, and I think that's why you got so upset. All of that is under the bride now, though. All in all, I wish nothing but the best for you. I wish you get a car and don't have to get rides back and forth every day anymore. I hope you get out of the attic in your sister's house and get a nice apartment for yourself, and if you started your classes that you enrolled for..I hope they are going well. One day, I hope we can be friends again. But it's nothing I am concerned with right now. I am focusing on my own things. Focusing one me, and still thanking god everyday that I didn't get knocked up and put in the same position that your ex is in!

Lauren