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Letter to My First

The Truth: Midnight Thoughts

By HMSB CMPublished 6 years ago 5 min read
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Dear X, I still think of you, I still yearn for you. I may even still love you in some way. You broke my heart and crushed my soul. You were my first love, my world, my life and I’m so angry at you! But I still care. Why did you put me through this? You have ruined my whole life and no matter how hard I try I just can’t remove you from some place that you have in my heart and I will never forget you! I hate you.

Transliteration: As I write these words it gives me a heavy heart and makes it feel like it’s hard to breathe. As I lay here in bed my stomach bubbles for how this is crushing me inside. The day you left was the day I became depressed and I feel as if I can never be truly happy again. It’s been years since I saw you and we may never cross paths again, as today I am married to a great man and we have a beautiful son, but even that has not completely demolished the pain...

Do you know when you left you truly broke my heart? One year on, when I finally realised you were not coming back, I became a stone, I stopped feeling, stopped loving, stopped caring. I never cried again, not properly for years until my son was born. He restored me and now I am finally like a normal human being again. I can cry, I can laugh, I can love wholeheartedly, but still... The first name that came to my mind when I found out I was having a boy was León, but I told myself, “no! I can’t do that.” Do you remember how that was the name we always promised one another we would give to our child if he was male? Now I feel like I can’t fully appreciate what I have, my home, my husband, my life, and I hate myself for it! This is all because of the great hurt you caused me. We had so many plans and I thought we were for life. We looked at housing sites and planned our wedding day; we even discussed how it would go if I were to “accidentally” end up pregnant. Your family was my family and they loved me so much, I was ready to sail the seas and move away from my hometown; you told me we were forever, but now look where we are. I’m here and you’re there, I’m married and you’re engaged, I have a baby boy and you have a baby girl, but not with each other. Maybe we were too young and optimistic, or maybe leaving was the easy way out... Our relationship was built from a distance and we travelled to and from every two weeks if we could; we tried our best to make sure we would see each other every month; it was hard going. You were the hot Welsh boy, but a young man all grown and strong. You were 21, the older guy with a cute accent that every girl wanted and I was the innocent English rose, so fragile and young. I was 17 and living the dream. Maybe we were in over our heads, or maybe it was too painful to pursue or too good to be true. Maybe, maybe. Who knows?

I was having a hard time at home with the new man my mom had brought into our lives and you promised me that one day you would take me away from it all; I imagined you like my knight in shining armour, whisking me away on your noble steed, but you broke that promise, though still I am blessed and my prayers have been answered as my husband has saved me now. He’s saved me from you, from the hurt, from the pain, he saved me from the awful life I was living at home. He messaged you once, as we were still in contact when he and I first came to be, and he asked you, “Do you really love her and want to be with her?” You replied, “no,” which made me realise that you clearly weren’t worth my time or my love and it caused me to never contact you again. It hurt me, I won't lie, but I didn’t believe what you said and I still don’t know what to think. Maybe you really were an evil man, a heartless bastard that just took advantage of me and used me for the whole two years we dated. Or maybe you just said that because you didn’t want to look weak. I didn’t believe it because I knew you better than that and I remembered that once upon a time when we were together, your own sister texted me out of nowhere saying that she was so glad you had met me because she said, “I’ve never seen my brother so happy,” without your knowledge — maybe this is the first you've even heard of it... So it plays on my mind and I really need an answer because maybe that will help me forget.

Though now, as I turn around and the sweet smell of watermelon and toothpaste on my husband’s breath hits me as he lays asleep beside me in our bed, I realise how much I have to appreciate. He is my saviour. He is my love. He is my world and he is my life. I realise now that actually I am happy, maybe happier than I have ever been even without you. Then I look to our son and I know that I am truly blessed as I shed a silent tear of joy.

Dear X, if this should reach you I hope it burns, I hope it kills you inside or even brings you close to tears and I hope it makes you realise how much of a dick you were for the way you just up and left me. I hope it makes you feel remorse and shame for all the pain and hurt you brought me, but most of all, I hope it reminds you just what could have become of us and how you will never ever find another girl or woman that will love you like I did. Also, if this should reach you, I beg that you give me closure on us, I ask that you please somehow get back to me and answer me this:

Did you ever truly love me? Or were you really the heartless troll you made yourself out to be?

breakups
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