Letter To the Man Who Can't Fix Me

November 29, 2017

You make me feel so small. You make me feel like I can't ever be fixed. You look at me like you want out. I know you do. You feel stuck. You don't want to stay, just like I knew you never would. Just like nobody ever does. I'm not worth the effort and the time and the fight. I ask you for too much. It's not fair. Why would you make sacrifices and change things about yourself just to be with me, when you have so many other options? I'm a lost cause. I love too hard and too fast and it's smothering you and I'm sorry that you can't handle it.

I really did believe that you loved me. You really had me going. Even though it was me that forced it from you in the first place, I still believed it. I understand how you feel. You think I don't because I'm the problem but I really do understand. I just can't help but be the way I am.

I've always had the greatest imagination. I could create the most amazing dreams for myself to play out in my head. I clearly let my imagination get too far away from reality. Now it seems like most of our relationship was all in my head. I can see everything much clearer now.

Right from the start, all I did was push you towards something you didn't want. You tried to end it so many times, but time after time I deluded myself into thinking we could be together. I just kept pushing until you lost the strength to push back anymore. You gave up, and I sucked you in, thinking that I won, and we would be happy. I tricked myself into believing that you wanted it too, so I could be happy. I tricked myself into believing that you really wanted me.

The signs were all there. I saw them. I chose to look the other way. You tried to tell me you didn't want me. I never listened. I told myself you were wrong. You wanted me but you just didn't know it yet. I believed that if you just stayed with me for long enough, you'd want me for real.

You told me you loved me. Then you told your ex that you had never told anyone you loved them but her. You told her you hated being with me. That's when I should have left. That's when I should have set you free. You would have been better off if I had just left and not turned back when you came down the stairs and asked me to stay and talk. You told me you didn't want to be with me, but changed your mind only because you didn't want to hurt me.

If you really didn't want to hurt me, you should have just left me leave back then. You knew it would have been easier, but I kept pulling you back in, crying that I loved you and couldn't live without you. You stayed because of guilt. You stayed because you had already stayed too long to leave without feeling like you had done something wrong.

I know you think I fucked up, and I really am. I don't blame you for being frustrated and angry at how crazy I am. Believe it or not, I used to be much worse, and I've come a long way. I used to be so desperate and helpless. I would do anything for someone's attention, and my whole world would fall apart every time I lost it. I don't know why it's so important for me to feel wanted. You're absolutely right when you say that I care too much about what other people think. I know I do. But it used to be worse.

I'm recovering from the mess that I was in high school. I know you think you're an empathetic person but I really don't think you understand how some of the shit I went through affected me. I'm not making excuses. I know that some of the things I do are not okay. I just need you to understand why. I also need you to understand that I won't be this way forever. You've been helping me. You make me want to change. You're worth the effort. Not that it matters to you. Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. I feel like I'll never know how you really feel about me because you're afraid to tell me.

I know what I need, and I know it's not what you signed up for. I need a rock. I need you to be solid and be able to support me. I need you to make sacrifices for me, like I've done for you. I need you to love me unconditionally, and have eyes for only me and no one else. I need you to show me that you love me, and I need you to find ways to show me that you won't abandon me because I'm difficult. I need you to show me that I'm worth fighting for, that I'm worth everything to you. I need you to be afraid to lose me, and do everything you can to keep me. I know that you can't fix me, but I need you to stick with me and love me while I learn to fix myself and become the person we both want me to be. I want to be that for you because you deserve it.

I delude myself into thinking you could love me like that. I know I'm too hard to love. All I do is suffocate you. Even before you said anything about it, I know that I do. I think about it all the time, how I need to give you more space before I lose you. I think all the time about how it's so not normal the way I have to always be with you. I hate it. I hate myself. I hate my mind. I hate that there's so much wrong with me. I hate that I don't know how to fix it. I hate that I can't give you what you want. I know it shouldn't be that hard to make you happy, but I somehow manage to make you the most unhappy you've ever been. I do the opposite of my intentions. I want us to be closer but all I do is push you away. You think that I don't know what I'm doing but I really do.

Maybe you believe that you really do love me. If you do love me, it's not the way I want you to love me. It's the kind of love that slowly grew over time. The kind that started as just a friendship, and became a greater kind of caring until you finally decided that you could call it love. It's the kind of love that you wouldn't have a problem letting go of, because it isn't that real or strong or unbreakable. This is one of the things that terrifies me everyday. You aren't in love with me the way I am with you. My entire being revolves around you. I exist off of you. I can't ever let you go. I cannot lose you. Maybe if you loved me this way you could understand why I'm so anxious and paranoid. You really are my universe. Without you I'm nothing. I'm less than nothing.

I'm sorry for being so jealous. I'm sorry for needing so much attention. I'm sorry for always needing reassurance about everything. I'm sorry for never letting you have your privacy, and for invading it when I know very well how wrong it is. I'm sorry for making you feel like you have no individuality. I'm so so sorry for never trusting you. I'm sorry for being so insecure. I'm sorry for always nagging at you. I'm sorry for not making you happy enough, and for making you so unhappy. I'm sorry I can't satisfy you in bed. I'm sorry I'm not skinny. I'm sorry my body is so out of shape. I'm sorry I'm not beautiful. I'm sorry I'm not enough for you to truly love. I'm sorry for everything.

I'm sorry that I sucked you in to all of this. You're meant for so much more than this life. You're meant for the life I dream we could have together, but never can because of me. It's my fault. I've caused all of these problems. I don't know what I can do to make it better. All I can do is keep working on myself. In my head, I know exactly who I'm supposed to be and who I want to be. I know you'd love her. I wish more than anything that you'll stick around long enough to get to meet her. But don't let me keep you trapped here against your will. You're free to go. I know that without me holding you back and crippling you, you can go out into the world and beyond and do all the things you've ever dreamed of. I want that for you. I don't want to be the person to stop you. Don't worry about hurting me. You need to do what is right for you, and what will ultimately bring you joy and fulfillment. I know that it's not me and it will never be me.