Letters I'll Never Send: Part 1

Hey,

This is really hard to write if I'm being honest. I know I can never say these words out loud to you. I couldn't do that to you... couldn't confuse you, or complicate your life. I just can't. But, I have to get this out somehow, so here we go.

You are in a relationship with a wonderful, genuinely beautiful woman who loves you so much. And I KNOW how much you love her back. I see it in your eyes when you talk about her. I hear it in your voice too. You love her. I know you do.

But a few weeks ago, we were sitting in your car, and you dropped a truth bomb. You told me you had feelings for me that had somehow developed over the course of our friendship. At first, I didn't know what to say or what to think. I think I was scared mostly, because I thought you were telling me we could no longer be friends. I was scared you were going to tell me that our friendship was endangering your relationship, and that you couldn't keep it. The relief that washed over me when you didn't say that is something I can't even explain.

I have to thank you again for your honesty, trust, and respect for me in that moment. I know how hard it was for you to tell me you had developed feelings. I could hear the guilt in your voice, and I could hear the fear even before you told me you were scared. I understand why you'd be scared to tell me that. You know my morals. You know I don’t condone cheating. You know it is one the BIGGEST things for me… dishonesty, cheating, lying…you know exactly how I feel about it, and you've seen first hand the disgust and anger I have for people who are unfaithful. Knowing all of that, I understood your fear in telling the truth.

But you telling the truth just showed me how great of a person you are. You explained, and said you wanted to tell me out of respect. Knowing how I am, knowing the potential risks of a bad reaction, you still told me, because you respected me enough to allow me to make my own decisions, regarding whether or not I was comfortable still being your friend. You said you were afraid of my reaction, but accepting of it, regardless of what it was. I've been lied to, hidden from, and given half-truths from so many people in my life. You gave me your whole truth, regardless of how difficult, and that means so much.

I meant what I said that night: Nothing you said to me changed my view of you. Nothing you said made me see you in a wrong way. Feelings are unexpected, and they fluctuate, and they're not things we can control. How we ACT on those feelings are the most important parts. You didn't tell me you had feelings to find out if I felt the same. You didn't tell me with any malicious intent at all. And as much as you know my morals, I know yours. You'd never cheat. You'd never be unfaithful. You'd never hurt someone like that.

But the reason for this letter isn't to discuss YOUR feelings. It's to discuss mine, and how I think something is changing in terms of how I feel about you.

You know I care about you so much, and I can’t even begin to express that in words. The limitations of the English language are the bane of my existence when it comes to trying to express the love, gratitude, and care that I hold for you. All I want is to see the smile on your face, and keep it there. I don’t want you to get hurt. Even though I know pain is a part of life, part of me always wished I could protect you from it. Things that threaten your happiness, I genuinely want to destroy. Somehow you’ve just become such an important part of my life, and I cannot imagine you not being here. If you ever left me, I don’t know what I would do. I genuinely don’t. You make me so happy.

The problem here is that I think my feelings for you are starting to extend past just loving you as a friend. I don’t know when this started happening, but every now and then, I look at you and it’s different. I start to wonder what would happen if you were single, and I realize that if you were, I would want to be with you. Sometimes when we’re together, I look at you and I just want to kiss you. I want to hug you, and hold you, and just not let go.

The feeling comes in little moments. It’s not all the time. But it’s becoming more frequent that I have these intrusive thoughts about you. And I genuinely feel so wrong about it every time it happens. Because I know you have a girlfriend, and I shouldn’t be thinking about you that way.

And honestly, knowing you have feelings for me makes it worse. Hearing you say you have those feelings, hearing you sometimes mention "in another life," or "if circumstances were different," hearing you say that sometimes you want to kiss me too. All of that makes this so much worse.

I can never tell you this. I literally can’t ever. I couldn’t cause you that much stress, and I don’t want to do anything to confuse you. You’re on the right path with _____. You love her, and she loves you back. Your relationship has lasted through so much, and I believe you when you say that’s the woman you want to marry. And I want that for you too, because I know you’ll be happy. I know she’ll make you happy. And I can’t threaten that, even a little, so you can never know about this. And, I’m so sorry for that, because I know you were honest with me. And, it pains me that I can’t be honest back.

I just needed to say it or write it down. Otherwise, it would drive me insane having no outlet. I don't know what to make of my feelings. I'm hoping they're just a phase... a result of us having spent a lot of time together recently.

Regardless, I hope you know I love you so much, just as a person. I care about your wellbeing, your happiness, your health. I just want you to be happy. So if me hiding this ensures that, then I'm so sorry... but there isn't a choice here.

With all due respect,

A.S.