Letters I Never Sent

June 13, 2018

You invited me to your wedding as if I wasn't your first love.

You smiled as you handed me the invitation even though that smile never met your eyes.

Do you love her?

Tell me you love her. Tell me you don't love me anymore. Tell me you don't want me. Tell me so that I can move on.

Though I'll never fully recover, at least I won't be dying inside any longer.

~ Haiti

I closed my diary, but not before a tear slipped from my eye and autographed the letter that I'll never send. That's what this book is full of, letters to him. The things I couldn't say, but wish I did. Letters that I never send.

The invitation sits arms length away mocking me constantly. I've thrown it away several times, but it keeps ending up right back on my desk.

I picked the letter up begrudgingly, wiping a tear from my eye.

Save the date! Come and celebrate with the...

I can't even think his name right now. All I can think about is shouting at him for what he did to me. Proposing to me and the next thing I know, I'm meeting his fiancee! 14 years gone down the drain. Friends and then natural lovers. And he still hasn't answered any of my questions. Hasn't spoken to me except to hand me the invitation. And even then all he had said was, "Please come... for me."

It'd be easier if he were happy about the situation. If he were behind the situation. I've known him for years and I can tell just by the look in his eyes that he isn't okay. None of this is okay. I feel it when he's near me that he still loves me. And as much as I hate his guts right now... I still love him, too.

I feel worse than broken hearted right now...

It feels like my spirit has had the life choked out of it. I can feel that my light is gone out and everything I see is now gray. My skin is gray. My hair is gray. It rains everyday. I can't see color anymore.

I try for the last time to throw the invitation in the garbage making up my mind not to go to the wedding that starts soon. For two months I cried. For two months I watched him parade around with his sad excuse of a woman, knowing that he was wasn't okay. Knowing that he wasn't and still isn't happy. Something's wrong, but he won't tell me! Yet, here I am in a dress that I don't even like on my way to his wedding all because he asked me to.

"What am I doing?" I asked myself. "I'm not going to his wedding! Why should I?"

Because he asked?

He can ask that I go to his wedding, but I can't ask him why he's doing this to us? How ridiculous was I to even consider going?

Right before my fingers let go of the paper, there's a faint but urgent knock at my door. There's a familiarity in that knock. Despite the clear 'Do Not Disturb' sign on my front door, someone still finds it appropriate to do so. The knock came again and my heart stuttered in hopes that it wasn't him. Preparing myself to be relieved, I slowly turned the knob.

Why would he be here at nine o' clock in the morning 30 minutes before his wedding? It's been two months, and now all of a sudden the day of his wedding, he comes knocking on my door? That's kind of unlikely.

Right?

I opened the door and—

"Let's elope."

The groom, soaking wet tux and hair, and panting as if he just ran the seven blocks from his venue to my apartment, is standing at my door waiting for an answer.

My jaw clenched at his audacity as I ached with a desire to ring his neck yet I did nothing. All the words I wanted to yell at him came right to the tip of my tongue, yet I said nothing.

I simply looked at him, eyes glossed over in tears as the dam waiting behind my eyes begged to burst.

"Trust me, okay. I never meant to hurt you," he pleaded.

But you did.

I still said nothing.

"Just let me in and I promise I'll explain everything."

I stood still as a boulder.

"Please?" His eyes fell and I could sense the remorse in his voice, "Just let me explain. Tell me what I have to do to win back you trust. What do you want? Just name it."

He was scared to touch me, constantly holding his hands just centimeters away from my arms before pulling them back.

I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm confused.

Do I let him in?

"The marriage wasn't real. Okay?" he blurted out, unable to wait for me to decide whether or not to let him in.

"What?"

"It wasn't what it looked like. Her family was trying to frame me, and if you just let me in, I'll explain."

He started to shiver from the cold of the rain turning icy against his skin.

I stepped to the side letting him come in.

Without a second thought, he walked in.

"DON'T sit on my couch," I warned, coldly not having much energy to yell. "I'll get you some clothes."

A few moments later, I gather one of his sweatshirts and a pair of sweatpants I'd worn and never returned back to him. They certainly came in handy today.

Handing him a towel with it, he instinctively walked into the bathroom to get changed, having known the layout of my apartment backwards and forwards...

Waiting for the kettle to boil, I argued with myself wondering why I was making this idiot some tea, and providing shelter for him. Then again... he had the answers I was looking for. Just because he came back, doesn't mean I have to accept him back. At the same time, I don't want him to catch pneumonia.

I poured the boiling water over the bags in the two cups of tea and set it on the living room table awaiting his return.

I sipped on my cup in the recliner next to the couch. I can't be too near to him right now. I might forgive him too soon. I knew something about this arrangement wasn't right, but that doesn't take away these last two months of hell.

As I was wrapped up in my thoughts, he came from the bathroom having thrown his clothes in the dryer and made his way to the couch. He sat down nervously wondering if he were too close to me.

He eyed my attire in remorse.

"You were gonna go to the wedding?"

"I didn't invite you in for anything other than answers," I answered sternly. He nodded with a dejectedly look on his face.

"Understood."

I sipped my tea as he pointed to his cup on the table.

"Is that for me?"

I didn't answer, only looking at him blankly.

He got the point and lifted the tea to his lips burning his tongue.

I couldn't help smirking a bit. "Since when are humans able to drink scalding hot water?" I asked, dryly.

He laughed awkwardly before tilting his head as if to say, "Touche."

He always makes stupid decisions when he's nervous, doing things like trying to eat pasta with a spoon when he's trying to avoid talking or missing his mouth when trying to drink. He's done that since we were kids.

"So you gonna explain or you gonna leave like you did two months ago?" I asked, cool but bitterly as I took another sip of my tea.

"That could take all night."

"You got 30 minutes." I say, getting up to make more tea.

After setting it aside for it to cool down, I went and changed into similar relaxing attire as well. Making myself comfy once more, I grabbed my tea and waited for his explanation.

"The first thing you should know is that it wasn't my idea."

I said nothing, only clenching my jaws at his excuses.

"I was only a pawn. Her father, whom I worked for at the time at the firm, was framing me and saying that I was exploiting the company for money. It was only later when I found out that his daughter was behind all this. She wanted me to be in a relationship with her, but I told her that I loved you. I figured she left it alone since she left me alone for the time being. Then all of this mess surfaced and the evidence looked so condemning that even I knew I didn't stand a chance. I'm a lawyer myself and I couldn't even talk my way out of that one."

"So you agreed to marry his daughter? You didn't put up a fight or anything? 15 minutes left."

"I didn't see any other way. I wasn't planning on staying with her. I tried doing everything like treating her badly, showing no concern for her, I even tried sending her a basket full of the one food she was allergic to."

"Dang."

"Yeah. And she laughed saying she liked my joke and that she can't wait to marry me. What do you think I've been doing for two months?"

I pinched the bridge of my nose in hopes to relieve stress, because the chamomile wasn't doing it.

"I swear I only dated her because that was the only way he'd clear my name. I knew she liked me, but I didn't think she'd go through all that trouble to have me. I'm here right now because I put up a fight and she decided I wasn't worth it before deciding to pursue a modeling career instead, whatever that means!"

"Wait... you knew she liked you? First of all, who is she and why didn't you tell me about her? We were together the entire time you were working at the law firm, Phoenix!" I couldn't hold my anger in any longer. My legs unfolded as I waved my arms around, and during all of this he didn't respond as if he were waiting for me to explode.

"You expect me to believe that you just didn't have time to tell me about your stalker?! Were you really working that hard?" He winced at my harsh words. "I don't accept that! I can't accept that! You could've avoided all of this had you not gone about it alone!"

"But how, Haiti? What did you expect me to say? I didn't think she was a threat until it was too late—"

"I would've known, Birdy! In case you've forgotten, I'm a woman, too. Not to mention a lawyer, myself. If anyone would've seen that coming, it's me! I would've freakin' known." His face softened at my use of his nickname, which even took me by surprise, honestly. I wasn't even sure that I wanted to continue in this relationship with him, but it seems my mind wasn't adapting well to that thought only recognizing that Phoenix, my Birdy, was sitting in my living room again, after two whole months. But why he was gone in the first place, why he hasn't been there made me angry all over again. I had to calm myself down before I continued for the simple fact that I hate yelling. I can't stand to be yelled at, and even more so to yell at others no matter how angry I get. I pulled my feet under me again as the air settled.

"Do you really think I would've just set back and let some female who isn't even worthy of the title 'woman' to manipulate you? Even if you were my brother, even if you were a freaking stranger I would've cared! Nobody deserves to be manipulated like that. No one deserves to be someone else'e pawn just so that they can get what they want! I would've fought for you, but think about how much more I would've fought for you because you're my fiancee."

He hung his head in defeat and said nothing as I continued.

"How many times do we have to go through this?" I barely spoke. "How many times do I have to tell you that you're not alone in this relationship? You fight for me. I fight for you. We fight together. You seriously effed up this time, and I'm not sure I'm willing to have you back."

His head snapped up at that and I noticed his tear stained cheeks and blood-red eyes which resembled mine.

"I know I don't deserve you back, Haiti, but I can't lie when I say that every part of me died when I thought I'd lost you. That won't change. Ever. 80 years down the road, I'll still be lost if you leave. You're my person."

The tension in the room was so thick laced with anxiety, remorse, anger, and regret... and unforgiveness.

"You said I was your person, too. Tell me you aren't willing to throw away all of our memories and commitments."

"I didn't throw them away, Phoenix. You did."

Standing from the couch he seemingly glided across the room on his knees as he wrapped his hands around my legs as best he could. Tears that aren't usually shown unless his emotion is extreme flooded his face, and I couldn't help but soften. I know him too well to take his words and actions at face value. He doesn't beg. He doesn't plead. He doesn't cry. He never has.

"I didn't sleep with her! I didn't even want her! You know me, Haiti. The entire time I was trying to find a way to get back to you before it was too late. Does that ring on your finger mean nothing to you?"

I said nothing as a couple tears escaped. Everything within me knows that I will take him back... but eventually. He's going to have a lot of restoring to do. I won't even think about starting over with him until every question I've ever had concerning him is answered.

"Haiti, look at me."

I begrudgingly do as he asks nervous that I might accept him back to soon. Those chocolate brown eyes so repentant it was hard to stay firm. I can't relent. Not again.

"What do I have to do?" Silence rang loudly as I closed my eyes in attempts to gather my thoughts.

"You don't have time to do anything. Your 30 minutes are up," I said, tired and defeated.

Standing to my feet and watching him crawl backwards on his knees to avoid being stepped on, I made my way around him. Before I could get too far, he'd grabbed at my legs and pulled until I was immobilized in his strong hold.

"Phoenix, let me go. I need time to think."

"What will you think about?! You were the only one that mattered to me!"

"But you didn't TELL me, Phoenix! You left me outside of the loop, AGAIN! Meanwhile, I'm at home, depressed, seeing life in black and white all because you it never occurred to you that I deserved some kind of explanation. 'Please come, for me? You give me the invitation, and that's all you say? Why did you even give me an invitation!?"

"Because I hoped you would read the back."

He noticed me glancing to my night table and released me as he went over to hand it to me. taking his seat back at my feet, I flipped it over and read the sentence, barely noticeable at the bottom corner of the page.

"Be there. I'm walking out with you."

I was silent for a while before he broke spoke, "There are a lot of things that I wish I had said and done differently. I was afraid that if I had too much contact with you, then they'd try to find a way to ruin you as well. If she was willing to go through all this for someone she did like, I could only imagine what she'd do to someone she didn't like."

I shook my head feeling overwhelmed. Palming my eyes, I tried to make sense of it all.

"I believe you, Birdy. But I can't help but have my doubts. This whole situation has me worried that if you and I were to marry, How would you deal with difficult situations? Would they turn out like disasters like this one? Would I be left out again in the decision making? Everything isn't Hakunah Matata just because you think you know what to do. What else did you expect? Better yet, what did you want? For me to say okay and be with you again and hope that this never happens again?"

He released my legs slowly letting his arms fall back to his sides as he leaned back on his ankles. His head hung in deep thought for a short while before he finally responded.

"What I want is for you to be okay again... even if that's not with me. Even if I have to be without you and lose the main reason I smile everyday, I just don't want you to be this way anymore. I know how you get when you're sad. You sit at that table for hours and write all day long. I saw it when I'd pass you on the street. I knew how to hide my emotions, but you looked like I felt."

I couldn't help it when the dam broke, and one tear after another fell taking my stress with it. I could see color again. His tan, Korean skin sending jolts of memories through my mind. Suddenly, I missed him and the anger, apprehension and fear had wrapped itself in salt water and escaped leaving me light and full of hope. This wasn't sappy emotion. I don't cry often, but as the tears came, I realized that he cared more about my well being than his benefit. I've felt that way about him as long as we've known one another, but it was barely reciprocated.

I come from a family of 12. He's an only child. There were things I learned about taking care of others that he never had to in the same way. Phoenix was spoiled, and when he became a lawyer, he learned how to defend himself when he was wrong. Nothing was done purely for my benefit. He had to be receiving something in whatever decision he made. Which is why I was often left out, not knowing a decision had been made until it was in fruition.

He could tell my mind was reeling as I was desperate to make sense of the numerous bombs dropped within the last hour. Once again, his strong hands made their way around my calves as he brought them close and laid his head comfortingly on my thighs.

"Haiti, I'm sorry. Okay? I'm more than sorry, I'm... devastated and have been for the past two months, 12 days, 16 hours, and though I'm not sure of the minutes, I can find out—" He was about to pull his cell phone out to check the time and do the math.

I couldn't help but laugh, as I stopped him from doing so.

"I hate seeing you cry. I hate being the reason for your tears. I know I won't always make you happy, but I never want to make you sorrowful. I messed up, girl. I should've told you. I should've asked for help. I know you hate excuses and there are no excuses for what I did. All I ask now is for two things."

I smiled slightly resting my hands on his shoulders. He leaned his head into the first show of affection I've given him in months.

"First, I want you to tell me what you need from me, and second, I want to give you what you ask for."

A shy smile came on my face as a large, boxy one shone on his.

"Okay, Birdy. But I have one thing that I need to do."

"What is that?"

"I need to burn those letters."

"What letters?"

"All the letters I never sent."