Letting Go of Jealousy

I'm a jealous person.

I don't know that I've ever stated it so blatantly before, but alas, it's time to accept it. Plain and simple, it's the truth.

Before I met my man, I never had this problem. I can barely remember a time when I let jealousy take hold of me the way it has recently.

But now, now that I have this amazing person who I love so much, my defenses have been on high alert.

It started when I realized how much more...experience...he's had than me. Not to say he's been with hundreds of women, but if we're comparing experience levels, I'm a beginner and he's an expert.

Yeah, I'm insecure as fuck.

I would bring up the most ridiculous, insignificant things and just pester him about them all the time. I'm not as pretty as other girls he's been with, I'm not super adventurous, I have severe anxiety issues, I'm not the mother of his child...so many things that these women are, I'm not.

I became so jealous that even I knew I was starting to sound obsessive and overbearing. And for what? All I was doing was creating problems where there weren't any.

I started to realize that the only problem here was me. I completely trust him and I have nothing but faith in our relationship. He wakes up everyday and chooses me. It was nothing but my own insecurities making me question him.

This needed to end.

What I kept looking for was for him to make my jealousy go away, but I started to realize how unfair that was. The truth is, you can't love someone while also trying to control them, and instead of dealing with my own problems, I was trying to get him to make changes that would make me feel better. If he would just delete that girl off social media, if he would just never reference his past relationships, if he just, if he just, if he just. I would feel so much better if he just...

But, I knew deep down that it wouldn't matter what he did, my jealousy wasn't going away. And in my efforts to control the situation, he began to think I didn't trust him.

I felt like an asshole. Why am I tormenting someone who doesn't deserve it? Why am I killing myself for questions I don't even want the answers to. Why do I even fucking care?

Much self-reflection later, I knew I what I needed to do to make a change. I needed to get over it, no matter how hard it would be.

And it was hard, letting go of something so powerful isn't easy when you also have severe anxiety. It took time, but I started addressing why I was feeling the way I was. Why did it matter so much? You ask yourself that question enough, you start to realize that it doesn't matter.

Here's all that actually matters. That we love each other, that we're a team, that we support each other, that we're always willing to work on us and if needed, to fight for us.

My man, with the patience of a saint, still wakes up everyday and chooses me, even during all the nonsense I put him through. So everyday, I wake up and I choose him too.

By taking small steps, I could finally let my jealousy go. There are still days where my anxiety creeps back in, and there will be from time to time. What's important now is how I deal with it. If I acknowledge my feelings, I spare myself from drowning in them.

I let jealousy rear its ugly head for far too long, and all it did was waste my time and bring me down. I let it control me and cause me pain...a monster in my paradise. When I finally allowed myself to let it go, I also allowed myself to be happy again.