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Letting You Know

What I Have Processed Since the End

This is gonna be a bit of a babble, there may be spelling mistakes and continuity errors, but there's just too much for me to get out for me to care about how I sound. So, here it goes.

I have resigned myself to the fact that I played a large part in how things ended. I was never strong enough to let you leave me. Holding on to you, using you as a crutch or anchor to keep me grounded. We made plans together, we made what I thought was a commitment to each other the went beyond just being friends, but I was wrong. You didn't love me anymore and I could not handle that... in many ways, I still can't. I am very sorry for what I think was suffocating you with my need to keep you in my life. In spite of so many things that were clearly wrong with us, with you, and with me... I wanted you to be mine in more ways than may have been fair.

Then again, you were quite unfair to me in so many ways, and I don't just mean towards the end. You made friends uncomfortable to be around us with your rigidity, you never wanted to be wrong to the point of being off-putting, never wanted me to be too loud or "embarrassing" to those around us (despite being around friends who accepted my overt personality or strangers who weren't even paying attention). No matter what, I made excuses for you... he's introverted, he's socially awkward, he never really learned how to express himself to others so he tends to come off as harsh, he's really a nice person, he's so good to me, he treats me so great... I don't know why he doesn't show that side to other people. Well, that's not entirely true... you did show that fun, funny, and gentle side to other people, just when I wasn't around... people you were attracted to. 

Looking back now, there were so many signs I should have noticed. People told me you were arrogant, or immature, or volatile to authority that you disagreed with. And they were right, I saw it... sometimes I catered to it or disagreed with it, but allowed you to have and share your thoughts no matter the consequences. I almost lost a dear friend due to your actions... it took a lot of talking and crying and justifying who we are and what you did. 

Some weeks ago I told you I needed time to myself. Time to separate myself from you and not talk to you. I did this because I was hurting too much to continue trying to pretend I was okay talking to you. Especially after seeing how you have changed as a person and socially since I left and since we officially broke up. You were more outgoing, more friendly, going to parties and having fun that you never really had before, and that is a good thing. When I talked to you each time about feeling sad after seeing those festivities, it was not in hopes that you would apologize and feel the need to defend yourself to me... it was because I missed you and you were one of the few people I could open myself up to in that way without feeling judged. All of a sudden my feelings were being put on the chopping block. You felt like I was attacking you with my feelings when really I just wanted you to understand them and be the friend I thought you were. Instead, when I finally decided that I needed the space to heal without you, you had to question every point and try to knock me down as if I was putting you on trial. By asking me to break down my reasons point by point and defending yourself when there were things you clearly did and thought wrong... you put me on a trial I didn't deserve and could not take. When I said you were a different person, that wasn't an attack. It was an observation on how you changed your personality towards me since we broke up. You grew distant, cold even, and thoughtless about who I was and the things I felt and did. You never considered the things I was going through to be correct and forced me to question everything I thought and believed and felt about everything I was going through and everything you were putting me through. You've become everything we used to make fun of. Cliquey, somewhat douchey, and not to be insensitive or anything, but an arrogant fuckboy who doesn't know when to quit. I have seen you be more open and devoid of anxiety around other people since I left and yet you still claim to be in anxiety and introversion's grip when that doesn't seem to be true anymore. You don't have to act around these people anymore... they can know who you really are like I thought I did.

I loved the boy that held me when I cried, who told me that expressing myself and being emotional was okay. I miss him. Maybe one day I can be friends with this person you have become, or maybe you will mature and realize how much damage you have caused me. Maybe I will simply heal from the damage and we can move past it as new people following similar paths. 

TBH, it really doesn't help that everyone you are around now, everyone I miss from the times that made me happiest, only know this new you and don't know or seem to care about how I've been since everything has changed. Perhaps it's for the better. I don't really like myself lately either, so it's fair to assume they never liked me enough to stay in touch with me the way I hoped we would. 

I'm sorry for making this a public letter... but I needed it. Thank you for your time. 

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