Life After an Affair

I never did think I would be the person to cheat. I have always vouched to stay faithful and I looked at people who did cheat as disgusting humans. How could you hurt someone like that? I have always been so completely in love with my significant other that I never even gave anybody else a second look.

I have been with my current boyfriend for four years now and this past year has been a struggle. Everything came easy to us. Sex, communicating, prioritizing our time. We were totally and completely in love and we never thought about anyone else. We had amazing adventures and always supported one another through everything. From loss of a family member to a new job.

This last year we recently bought a house. Everything was going great, we were taking advantage of our newly free space together and it was exciting to be on our own together and exploring new things. Especially being so young. It was great to experience this with each other and to take a step into our new chapter into our life.

A few months pass by and he goes to gas school for his work to further his career and gain more qualifications. He was gone most of the week, he would leave 8 AM for work than go to school at 6 PM until 10 PM. Eventually I started to feel lonely, I guess. I’m not sure why I did it honestly. I tried my hardest to give him a valid excuse but the truth is, is that there really isn’t one for something like this. I think I just wanted the attention and I really can never give him a great excuse that will ever make him feel better about the situation and what happened.

My affair was strictly online, although that doesn’t make the situation better. I created a bond with this person for two weeks and in the end ruined the trust in my relationship with my bf when he found out. I will never forget how much I have hurt him and I wish so badly I could turn back time and not be that person who could do that to someone they love. I hate that I hurt him so much.

A year later to now. I would be lying if I said we didn’t struggle. There’s still no trust, and I often wonder if it would be better for him if we split up. I love my boyfriend with my whole heart, regardless of what I did and there’s no excuse I can ever give to make him feel better. I don’t think there’s anyway to heal a person after cheating. We have discussed that therapy may be an option, but we don’t like the thought of letting someone else into our relationship.

There is everyday struggles, there’s good days and bad. Obviously the good outweigh the bad, for me at least. But some days I ask myself if I’m worth it to him after how much I have hurt him completely. He trusted me with his life and was ready to commit and get married to me and I ruined that for him. He says he still loves me, but I know he doesn’t love me the same. I know he’s not in love with me and I think that’s my punishment that I get.

Why do people cheat? I’ve done it and I honestly still don’t know the answer. But what I can say, is if you are in this situation and you love the person you’re with. Don’t give up. Yes you screwed up and you need to admit to that. Be truthful about the situation and answer all their questions and try to help them in every way you can. In the long run it will pay off. Hopefully.