Listening

We were sitting in a hammock just looking at each other and talking about all of the little things that didn’t matter. But he was interested and curious and it felt good to know that someone wanted to know me and wanted to listen. Our phones were put away and it felt like we were completely disconnected from all of our problems in the world. No one has ever just really listened to me before. But when we talked about our childhoods and shared memories that we loved and experiences that we struggled through, I didn’t feel alone. And I began to appreciate him as a person and as a friend who understood me. I learned that the quieter you become, the more you can hear and learn things about people. Listening means respecting someone and caring about them so much that you just want to know every little detail about them. I love the feeling of being listened to. And for once, I loved listening as well.

The problem with listening to and learning everything about a boy is that eventually you fall in love with his words and then his heart. When they leave, you are stuck with all of this information that you no longer need. You know that his favorite place to go as a kid was his grandma's house because she grew raspberries and he loved going to pick them and seeing his fingers stained red from the juice. You know about the time that he broke down crying because he remembers when his mom left and he just didn't understand why something like that would happen to him. You know about their first heartbreak and you know the name and the hair color of the girl who took that first piece out of his heart. You know how he felt when he heard her laugh and you know the feeling he had when she left. You know all of these stories and details and then before you know it, you're making memories with him and it seems as if you've known him you're whole life. You lay awake at night thinking about him and the way he looked you in the eyes and called you beautiful.

Suddenly it ends before it even started and you're left questioning your worth and you overthink every word he ever said to you wondering what he meant and what was a lie. Did he use me? Did he even care? Did he mean it when he told me I was perfect?

It's 1 AM and you can't sleep. His touch is still printed on your skin. Your mind takes you back to the time when he warned you not to get too close. He told you that he always seems to hurt the people who love him but you thought you could fix him. You thought you could heal his broken with your sweet words and sincere eyes but he looked right past your love and broke you the same way that she broke him. It's just a cycle of wanting what we can't have and giving chances to those who broke us. He ran back to her and you try to be happy for him because he's finally not hurting but you want to be the reason why he's happy. You want to be the one who makes him smile and makes him happy to be alive. So then you're angry at him and then angry at her but then you become angry with yourself for getting attached to someone who never intended on being with you. But you can't blame him for running back to her because you know you'd run straight back to him no questions asked. You're in over your head and you just want to see how he's doing. Maybe just maybe he will say he misses you but he doesn't even answer your text when you ask how he's doing in college and if the situation with his dad is getting better. You sit there and just cry. And it all started with listening.