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Literal Heartache

Dating While Chronically Ill

By Beth ElrodPublished 6 years ago 5 min read
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Dating is always somewhat difficult. It isn't easy, trying to navigate how your life can fit in with someone else's. There's a lot of factors that go into it: whether or not you can trust the other person, if your personalities mesh well, if you guys have a similar idea of what you want out of life, the list goes on. It takes two people taking time and energy to figure each other out, to get to know one another.

It takes time and energy that I don't really have lately.

The past year has been kind of a hectic one. Last October I started seeing my primary care physician about my chronic chest pains, and they mainly blew me off. In December I wound up in the hospital with a stomach virus, and they kept me for observation due to tachycardia and a little weirdness on my EKGs. In January, I started seeing a cardiologist and was diagnosed with cardiomyopathy (a friend of mine in Residency laughed at this, saying that it means they basically don't know). In February, tests by my endocrinologist indicated insulin-resistance and osteopenia. None of these actually explain my symptoms, one of which is that my blood pressure keeps dropping, which really isn't a good thing since the medications I'm on for my heart also lowers blood pressure.

I have had medications switched and changed more than once. My diet and ability to exercise has shifted all over the place. I've started wearing compression calf sleeves at work and stepping back in a couple of areas at church. This past year has been spent learning a new normal, and this is without a formal, definitive diagnosis.

So I've been a bit busy and, as a result, dating hasn't been at the forefront of my mind.

When dating, you always want to make sure that you put your best foot forward. You don't just show up to your first date with that embarrassing photo of you doing a make-up dare at a seventh grade slumber party, after all. Still, you try to offer the other person some glimpses into your personality. It's a gradual tango of give and take wherein you determine if you want to have a relationship with this person. The scary part with that is: what if you do, but they don't?

When you have a chronic illness, things can get a little tricky. Sometimes, it's nice to have some place where you aren't sick. A place where you don't have to explain yourself, where no one else knows that you are somehow broken. A place where you don't have to worry about others thinking you are "faking it" and you can just relax and be normal.

At what point, however, do you have to start explaining?

Do you start when you are trying to plan the first date and you keep either missing or delaying texts due to brain fog? Is it when you have to plan things weeks in advance because you get tired? Is it when you go to eat at a restaurant and you can't eat anything on the menu?

It's difficult to broach the subject, and doubly so since, at least in my case, you can start to feel like a burden. There are only so many times you can oversleep, that you can forget to return a text, that you can say "I'm sick" without sounding like a broken record. It starts draining you, every moment that you feel like you're making an excuse every time you disappoint the other person. You can never know if they realize that you're disappointing yourself, too.

It's a complex thing— dating when you can't fully explain your situation. All too often, movies portray these sorts of relationships as someone trying to fix the other person, or loving them despite the pain, or some other dynamic that labels the chronically ill person as some sort of problem. In reality, however, that doesn't happen as much. Sure, you get some people with savior complexes or people who romanticize pain, but more often you find people with their own baggage who are just trying to find someone to care about and care about them in return.

Right now, I admit that I would be a terrible girlfriend. There is too much going on that requires my waning focus, and while I really do care about others, I'm pretty terrible at showing it. That's just where I'm at right now.

There are those, however, that are chronically ill and are managing it in a way that they would make wonderful partners. That being said, they may not be up to divulging the personal aspects of their illness. Being chronically ill is not just a few symptoms here and there. It's consistent pains, brain fog, lethargy, what have you that are so familiar to the person that they can't always determine if it's actually a symptom or if it's just normal. That's difficult to explain to someone you are romantically interested in.

All that being said, if you find out that someone you are dating has a chronic illness, please don't pity them. They've gotten to the point where they feel strong enough to reach out and talk about it. That in and of itself is amazing. Just try to be a bit more understanding of their situation, and by that I mean understand that you don't understand. You haven't gone through it yourself, so you can't speak to the other person's pain. Even if you have gone through a chronic thing of your own, it's going to be different. Just raise up your partner and don't be afraid to lean on them if you need to about something. That's part of being in a relationship.

Now, if you are a chronically ill person who, like me, isn't ready to date, that's okay. It doesn't mean that you'll never be ready to date again, and it doesn't mean that things aren't going to get better. You have to be willing to forgive yourself for your shortcomings and give yourself time to adjust. You are a fighter and that may be tiring sometimes, but you can definitely get wherever you want to go. You've got so much life left in you, even when it feels like your body has betrayed you.

Dating is hard, that much is true. But whoever you are, ill or healthy or anywhere in between, you deserve to be loved.

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About the Creator

Beth Elrod

23 from the Midwest. I love film and psychology and am aiming to (eventually) get a PHD in neurobiology. Currently trying to navigate chronic illness, but still having fun working in tech and trying to get a good start in life!

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