Little Me

I'm in my late twenties and have experienced A lot of sh*t. From losing my first and only child (another story later) to being a victim of domestic violence to my ex-husband (who is technically my actual husband since we aren't divorced... yet). Point is, my life has always been complicated. I have always attracted "excitement"—code word for chaos. One thing I always thought was a constant were "my sisters."

Lately, growing pains are hitting us all. From career to personal, we all have been going through it. However, things seemed... different this time around as I slowly turned 27 this past March. Like I said previously, I been through my fair share of Murphy, but I have been in a constant state of doubt and concern with my friendships.

One friend has always been selfish and self-centered since high school. We all thought age was maturity, but not this case with her. Let's call her "Lisa." Lisa has been my sister for 11 years now. Love her immensely but she is a child in a woman's body. She comes off entitled to wanting things to go her way and will have a full-blown meltdown should they not. She only considers herself in most situations and her instant gratification before others feelings. Lastly, she prioritizes what's important in her life and I, personally, am not on that list where I want to be.

Another friend, let's call her "Tanya," has been my Ace since I met her. Out of all my relationships with people, I value hers the most. We vibe on an ENTIRELY different level and she been solid since day one. I often joke that if she was a man, I would have married her by now.

However, Tanya and I have been a little off too. I travel a lot for work and pleasure teaching ESL in foreign lands and well... she has a thing with traveling beyond a 100 mile radius. Anyone who travels knows you come back a little different and it takes adjusting to situate yourself into your old comfortable bubble—you changed, they didn't. Since my return in December, I felt as if I was a little off with her. I like to explore, party, and have adventures with new experiences and things. While she seems open, when it comes down to doing them I get an excuse to some degree.

Our falling out this time was over a birthday trip to Vegas. Mind you, NOTHING has been purchased yet from anyone so no money is lost. However, we have been planning this trip for months. I was ready to buy flights weeks ago but Tanya wanted to wait for Lisa to get her money together. In the meantime, I went on vacations and splurged on events because... I can. Simple as that. Recently, I took a position back in Thailand that puts me away for the summer. I have an entire life here stateside as well as a life I'm forging overseas. Both loves cost money. So... I had a brilliant, yet cruel idea.

I played a small prank to see her reaction. Yes, I know, something childish; but I needed to see if I was crazy for feeling like my friendships were a real issue or am I just having growing pains. I joked I wasn't able to come, sounding as serious as possible. She was a lot angrier than I would have guessed she be and it got me a little upset. She was frustrated I kept "spending all my money" on other trips and excursions but when it comes to her trip, I can't go. She pointed out that "since I'm in a new tax bracket" I can afford to go and she angrier at me because our other friends are barely making ends meet but I am splurging and can't go. That had me pause. My money is exactly, that. MINE. What I do with it is my business.

What she didn't know is this was a joke and I needed to see her reaction. Now before we bash me (which I expect to some degree), me going to Thailand this summer is true. I have to pay $2800 up front for the months I won't be here. You do the math. I leave in June and it's April. So this was an actual trip that will happen. However, I wasn't planning to miss her big day since that's all she been talking about. Her reaction just rubbed me the wrong way, furthering my distance I slowly been placing on our friendship, to begin with.

Lately, I have been having with colleagues I work with who have turned into REALLY good friends and we all enjoy the exact same experiences while all being at the exact same points in our lives. Tanya has always encouraged me to make friends outside her and Lisa and now that I have, it comes off as if she is somewhat resentful. Truth be told, I like some of the new girls a bit more than Lisa but this was years in the making. Tanya was solid, or so I thought.

It's been weird having to navigate friendships you had for years. It made me often uncomfortable to think you could outgrow the same people you started from nothing with. These ladies were literally with me when I was stealing to eat in college. Now, as an adult who worked her ass off to get comfortable to where I am today, I find my friendships straining because it feels like they haven't grown with me sometimes. It feels like we all take different interests now and believe things differently.

Little Me never had any friends in school so I cherished the real ones I had. It saddens me that even your real ones can become strangers too.