Lone Wolf Syndrome

I have always been a lone wolf. I mean, as far as I can remember, I have always found myself alone—whether at my school, my college, parties, my school trips or my college expeditions.

The fact that I consider myself a lone wolf comes from a theory that I rather enjoy getting myself secluded from rest of the people. Wherever I go, I don’t know what it is, but I get a sense of freedom and power, knowing that I’m not dependent on others emotionally or any other way, so to speak. That’s why, during my school and college years, I was not a part of any group, I tried not to go to any birthday treats or parties and used to dodge them and the list goes on and on.

It’s like a cycle, you see, as I secluded myself from rest of the people since my childhood, I did not form any long lasting bonds or don’t have “childhood friends.” Refraining myself from cultivating human relationships has cost me the feeling of fitting in or belonging anywhere. Yes, anywhere! And since, now I don’t find anything relatable with what people have done and feel uncomfortable when people ask questions regarding what "cool" things I have done so far in my life, it makes me uneasy, and makes me want to again crawl into the pit of isolation and flee the conversation. So now, even if I want to mingle with people and make connections, my past behavior and pattern stop me from doing so and keep me trapped in this vicious cycle.

Earlier, when I was in school and college, I used to think I was preparing myself for the real, harsh world, where everybody is on their own, where individuality matters and being without a "clique’"is makes strong and smart. Also, I feel stupid on this one. I thought that having friends would distract me from studies. Yes, I know it’s bizarre, but I come from a family where academics matter the most and I had in some kind of way always been pressured since my childhood to excel in academics. It is a whole different story, that I failed to be academically bright and became an average student.

As time went by, I realized the real skill to survive in this world is making networks and connections, and using these people skills to survive emotionally and mentally. By now you must have known that my school and college lives were not "happening" and were a complete dud. I did not go for outings, my birthdays were not celebrated giving treats to friends, I sat in classes alone, doing group projects with fellow classmates was a nightmare to me. Even if I wanted to make connections now with them, they were now reluctant on mingling with me, thinking I wasn’t relatable or I was plainly a weirdo, and I must say, what they thought was fair. This "lone wolf" thing cost me my studies, my internships and my job—yes to that extent! See, being alone can lead to two ways, either you become extremely confident and independent and carve out a way to function alone or you become extremely low in confidence and withdraw yourself from doing activities that require you to come in public’s eye. Unfortunately, I fell in the second category.

I had to leave projects that I wanted to work on because despite being of my interest, they required more than one person and as you can guess, people had already made their groups. Asking them out was not an option for me. My ego is to be blamed here, I thought I could survive doing my minor and major projects all alone, when in reality it all tanked. My self esteem became so low, thinking that no one wanted to hang out with me and that I’m a subject of mockery among them. You won’t believe it, my classmates started mocking me at my face in front of other people, calling me names and that really seeped it’s way through my self confidence. Once when I used to gain confidence and power by being alone, I started losing my self-confidence and self-esteem.

Now, I took therapies and guidance to get myself out from that mindset and build myself up again from that situation, but that is a different story. Nowadays, I try to interact with people and try to become as gregarious as possible so that people don’t see through my weirdness. I know, I’m treating "lone wolf" as a sickness as to how much harm I have suffered in my life, but to be honest, that’s what I have experienced. I mean, I belong to the second category, remember? So, I’m telling you what happened from my perspective.

Every now and then, I find myself withdrawing from social situations and feeling empty inside, with no stories to tell, no emotions that I felt, no childhood bonds that I created and that I can reminisce of. I guess, this is something I have to deal with, throughout my entire life. This feeling of emptiness and search of belonging somewhere or with someone.

At last, I can only ask people to go onto the path of being a lone wolf only if they know they’d fall into the first category. If there’s a chance of falling in the second one, then I would advise to not isolate yourself and make meaningful connections, because I have realized that they’re enough to keep you sane and balanced through life. And so this was about the "lone wolf syndrome" that I discussed with you all. My journey continues as I deal with the challenges that it brings with itself along my way.