Loneliness

It's scary what a smile can hide.

Loneliness. A word that often gets thrown around, or used for dark humour. I mean, I have pretty dark humour, so I have nothing against it. I'd like to think that it is a coping mechanism to be honest. And I'm proud of it. 

What people don't realise is that loneliness has a deeper meaning behind it. Loneliness isn't always "that kid in the back corner" or "that kid who eats his lunch in the bathroom." Loneliness is the feeling of pain and neglect, even if you are in a room surrounded by people who love and care for you. The reason some may feel this way in such a situation? Because there's no proof. Actions speak louder than words. If you say you love someone, that you care for them, or that you're there for them—that means nothing until you show it. 

If you love someone, remind them daily, check how they're feeling, spend time with them, make memories, and have great conversations!

If you care about someone, check in on them, keep your alerts on in case that individual needs you, be there for them in a time of need, simply offer a hug or a general helping hand... even a distraction.

If you truly are THERE for someone, prove it. Talk to them, NEVER judge them, open up, and trust them... Don't be one of those people who are all talk, who say things but don't mean it.

Want to know what being lonely is like in my world?...

I have a boyfriend, and a loving family. I thought I had many friends at university, when it turns out, they would probably be described as acquaintances instead. —I learned that after opening up to my mother. Despite having a large amount of people around me that DO love and DO care, and even prove it to me as much as they can... It's not always enough. I go to university and end up early to my lectures/seminars because of the distance... I sit in my classes alone, with "friends" around me, but "friends" that don't interact with me, get me involved, or even ask how I'm feeling. At break times, I sit down and eat my lunch outside the next class—again, alone. And that isn't just "sad," but it's embarrassing with the amount of people who walk past you and give you weird looks. 

Anyway... Loneliness to me is being awake at night, alone with my own thoughts, but having no one to talk to about it. It's coming home from a long day at university or work and not having anybody to ask you about your day, or if you'd like to "hang out." It's waking up in the morning and not talking to ANYONE for the entire day, apart from the people you live with—and then realising that later on that evening and getting sad... because you see people around you constantly texting each other, or hanging out...

It's sitting with "friends but not engaging in conversation—because when you do, people stay quiet, or ignore you. Not only that, but it could be because they are talking about something they did together as a group, but you were not invited... It's the fear of being judged, left out, laughed at, and/or forgotten about. 

You see, some people would "kill" for a boyfriend/girlfriend, or even to be alone... But me? I'd kill to have a friend. Preferably a best friend. I've had many of those... but they left. And that's another thing behind the definition of loneliness. 

I want someone I can walk to and from class with, someone I can text every day and have random conversations or general check ups on each other, someone I can hang out with, and it not be awkward or boring—whether it be to watch a movie, have a sleepover, or even go shopping. I want someone I can call, text, or meet up with when I've had a bad day or something bad came up, someone I can call, text, or meet up with when I've received good news and I want to celebrate. I want someone I can spend my days off with, and have a really fun day...

Now some people reading that may think "don't you have a boyfriend? Do that with him." And you're right. But it's not the same. When it's a friend you don't always have to worry about heartbreak. And sometimes, a girl needs another girl to talk to—one that understands them. I love my boyfriend, but I don't feel complete. 

You may also think, "Why don't you tell your friends you feel this way? They will get you more involved." I've tried that, multiple times. Recently I told my "friends" how I felt, completely. And I was told to find a new group and possibly change the way I look and dress in order to find "my group." Instead of making me feel better, that made me feel worse—I lost confidence, despite the fact that they had good intentions. Since I cannot find "my group," I now feel even more alone than before. I feel like maybe I don't have a group. Maybe I'm so different, that I'm destined to be on my own. That no one will accept me. 

Loneliness isn't just a "feeling." It's a whole emotion, which in itself, can lead to mental health issues. I have been diagnosed with Panic Disorder, Depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Sometimes, I think that is the reason why no one wants to befriend me. But then, I think, how? Because I make so much of an effort and I get turned down. What I will say is, loneliness has had an impact on my mental health. When I have friends, I feel better, happier, and almost complete. When I don't... it feels like my whole world comes crashing down and that I am a pathetic mess again. 

Loneliness isn't as simple as people think. Loneliness is difficult to deal with. So please, whoever is reading this, please focus on it and have a think.

If you're reading this and you too are experiencing something similar to this, reach out! Talk to SOMEONE, anyone, even ME. Reach out to ME and I'd happily discuss it with you. It's nice to talk to someone who understands. Please know that it's not the end of the world. Sometimes, being alone is OKAY as you don't get to experience betrayal....

If you're reading this and you DON'T go through loneliness, or have "lots of friends," help others, please! If you see someone who's alone at lunch, or even in class—talk to them! Invite them to tag along, and if they do, INVOLVE THEM! Don't leave someone to go through stuff on their own. Don't let misery consume them, or make them lack the confidence they need in order to MAKE friends. Talk to them!

Thank you for reading... <3

Now Reading
Loneliness