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If you've read my prior work than you know I'm anti-love, anti-relationships, anti-kids, anti-everything basically. I have a tendency to push everyone and everything away. I don't want people to be emotionally involved so I like keeping them at bay but it's starting to take a toll on me.
I recently had a chat with an old flame and he pointed out how affection of any kind freaks me out. Yes, I'm capable of sleeping with someone but when it comes to hugging, kissing, hand holding, and saying "I love you," I freak out. Which is true, comfort and emotions aren't my strong suit. It's not just men that I have issues with, it's all relationships. I don't even like when friends try hugging me or saying I love you. It's a barrier I've yet to break but I'm realizing I need to in order to grow.
I grew up in a household that lacked emotions. You don't get abused and then go running to someone to comfort you because there's no one around to run to. You're supposed to be able to run to your parents but when they're the ones doing the abuse you have no one left to turn to. Instead you hide in your room and wait for the feeling to go away. You comfort yourself, hold your own hand, and say everything's going to be ok. Then you pick yourself up and shield yourself from anymore pain.
Anytime I feel any kind of emotion I don't go looking for my friends or my spouse to comfort me. Instead, I comfort myself. I lock myself away and protect myself until I feel like I'm ok to join society again. But now that I'm older and living in an area where I don't know anyone, I'm feeling the effects of being alone and away from my hometown comfort.
I'm in a new state, at a new job, with all kinds of new people and I've yet to make a connection with anyone. I haven't found any new friends. I do have a new routine but once I'm home at the end of the day I'm alone. 100% completely alone with no company and no one to reach out to and talk about my day.
I so desperately want to have someone just to bitch about my day and fight with. But at the same time, I have no desire to even speak to anyone, let alone date them. I've come so far in life just to realize I'm completely alone and have no one to share it with.
I'm constantly saying I'm ok being alone and I was made to be single but it's not true. It's just me being afraid of fucking up and not knowing how to love another person. I don't know how to comfort someone in a time of need. I don't know how to be ok with someone holding my hand or hugging me in an affectionate way. It's why I prefer sex over an actual relationship because it's easy. But now that I'm completely alone all I want is to talk to someone. To feel love and to experience what it's like to not be alone and to have someone there all the time. Someone to be my rock and hold me instead of me holding myself all the time. I'm ready. I just don't know how to do it.
I know a lot of people are scared and struggle with affection and loneliness. The only way we can get past this is if we try and change and put ourselves in an uncomfortable position and just try to be different. I doubt it'll be easy but nothing good in life ever comes easy. So here is to a start of a new journey for me, no more lonely heart. It's time to fill my heart with love and joy. And if not, there's always alcohol and porn.