Long Distance

Long distance relationships, wow, that's a tough subject that can go in many directions. It can be seen as never working out because of trust issues or lack of communication or missing out on the physical connection that a relationship is built on. On the other hand, it can work out if you have a strong mental connection and both sides are giving 100%. It all depends on you and how you want to pursue it. I've been in long distance relationships and personally they are not my cup of tea, but that doesn't mean I don't think they can work. I'm not going to sit here and bash on those couples or make you doubt your own relationship. I'm here to share my experiences and give some advice because as I've said before I care about you and I want to give you my full attention and my thoughts.

My experience with this topic doesn't help that much but I hope it can help you. I've been in long distance relationships before and for me, they were difficult, but they also had good lessons to learn from. My first relationship was with someone I met online. Reflecting back, it worked out pretty well, we texted a lot, long late-night phone calls, we would play online video games together, and every night we would fall asleep on the phone. It was really good, but we would always make plans on seeing each other and it would always be canceled last minute. I'll be honest that it wasn't always him, it was me too, I mean I was young and barely making enough money to even afford a ticket and it didn't help that he lived out of state which meant more to worry about. That relationship didn't last long but it also didn't end on bad terms; we continue to talk to this day, casually as if we've always been friends. I wouldn't recommend dating out of state unless you've known the individual personally and they happened to move away and you have built a steady relationship beforehand.

My second relationship regarding this topic was a guy that lived in my state but also lived 5-6 hours away. Now this relationship was TOXIC!!! When we first started talking, we met online as well, he lied about who he was and I was being catfished for a few days. He ended up telling me the truth and at first, I was conflicted, but then I thought about it and he was just trying to get a chance to be with someone. We didn't become serious until the next two months, then we became an official couple. It was going well we texted every day, we had long phone calls and became very close. We got each other gifts and I even had pizzas ordered and delivered to his house once and a while. We even wrote love letters to each other and sent them in the mail. For Christmas we bought each other gifts, I got him a watch with an engraving and I don't recall what he got me. Then the tables turned, we started getting into arguments. At first, it was just little things like you know fun arguments about favorite movies and food and playfully getting on each other's nerves, but then they started getting more intense and heated where we were yelling at each other every night. We went back and forth throughout most of our relationship. He started to become overprotective and insanely jealous, since I didn't have an iPhone at the time he couldn't get my location but I did have an iPod and so then he had me hotspot my iPod to have my location 24/7. At first, I didn't mind it but then it became a distraction and even if I was going to class he always thought I was meeting up with someone and lying to him about where I was going. Then he required my password to every social media account I had. This became a problem, most of my friends were guys and to me, it seemed normal but to him, it was disrespectful to be talking to other guys while I was with him. He explained his reasoning and I just gave in and gave up all contact with my guy friends. It became extremely lonely because I had no one to really talk to besides my boyfriend and even he wasn't that helpful. He would always shut down my ideas and never actually supported me unless it benefitted him. This continued for 9 months, then we decided it was finally time to meet and I set him up to come up to me and I would take care of everything and every time, last minute, he would flake. It got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore and I needed something real and not one-sided. I had to end the relationship, but I had to put all the blame on myself so he could forget me and move forward. I said some nasty things to him just so he could feel like it wasn't his fault or even want to come back. I don't think about it much because I know in my heart it was the best for both of us and even now I am proud of myself for making the right decision.

Now I'm not saying this happens to all long-distance relationships, this is just my personal experience. As you can tell it wasn't pleasant but it's all about the lessons I learned. To be in this type of relationship, you must trust and have a bond with that person, be supportive, don't jump to conclusions, be aware that distance doesn't matter, and just be yourself. What do I mean by all of these, well let me explain. To trust someone and having a bond is very important, this can be the end or beginning of a relationship; if you don't trust your partner there will never be a real connection. Trust is gained and it's not something you can teach; every person is different and each has their expectations. Whether it is on the phone or in person you have to feel comfortable and safe with that individual. If you have uncertain thoughts its probably for a good reason, try talking to your partner about these thoughts and get their input on the situation; don't keep them to yourself because it will haunt you and then you will always have that uncertain feeling. If you and this individual meet for the first time and before all that you felt close and comfortable with each other, you should feel the same way when you meet face to face. It may seem nerve-racking when you meet in person and you may feel uneasy at first but once you have the day with that person, that's when you make your final decision; whether it was perfect and they were easy to talk to and you feel like you have known each other for the longest time or you didn't feel the spark that you felt while being distant and it just didn't work out. Either is perfectly normal, you just need to communicate with one another and get all your feelings out in the open and then you decide your next plan of action.

Another critical thing in a long-distance relationship is being supportive. This means that you and your partner in crime support each other's decisions or you give the other person your personal thoughts on the situation. This doesn't mean that you constantly criticize one another about your choices and make the other person feel bad about how they think. If you have something to criticize, you do it politely and just offer it, don't force it; that will never work. It will make your partner see you in a different light and may not want that type of energy around in the long run. It's always good to keep each other in check time to time but don't over exaggerate the situation and make it any worse.

My third recommendation is to not jump to conclusions. I know it's tempting to think ahead but its no longer just you. Just because they haven't texted or called throughout most of the day don't assume they are cheating or getting bored with you. They are probably busy with their own lives and if they wanted to contact you they would want it to be just about you two and not having chaos in the background. If you really think that something is going on use your communication skills and actually ask your partner about their arrangements for the day. I do this personally, I ask my boyfriend about his plans for the day and eventually, we talk and it is just the two of us with no distractions. We don't talk every second of every day, we have busy lives but we make time to at least have one phone call a day.

Another thing to keep in mind about these types of relationships is that distance doesn't matter. If you think about it and if you really have the strong mental connection and bond with each other, it shouldn't matter if you are 10 miles away or 1,000 miles away. You know one another more than anything and you knew what you were getting yourself into. You knew it wasn't going to be simple or like a fairytale relationship, you are going to have to deal with not seeing the person as often or having to connect with someone on a deeper level than just being physical.

My final recommendation is to just be yourself. Don't act like you are someone else because who are you really trying to fool. It's not impressive if you fake who you are and if you are willing to falsify yourself now how will you be able to continue your act when the past or the real you starts to show. It's not attractive to be fake, it is like you are catfishing yourself and believing that you can pull it off. In a long-distance relationship, you need to be as real as can be because when you decide to take the next step and meet the individual that's when the real you is shown and it would make it easier if you were the same way throughout the relationship.

I also wanted to add, please be cautious when online dating. So many unpredictable things can happen, for example, you could be kidnapped or killed. I'm just trying to keep it as real as it is, people are crazy and will go to extreme lengths to get what they want. I please advise you to take extra precaution and get some background before pursuing a relationship or even meeting. It's crucial that you stay safe and there's no problem in being cautious when it comes to the internet.