I have always said that I wouldn't let people get too close. I have always promised myself that, "No, this person isn't right...I won't let them in." Then, what do I do? I open up. I let that person in. I let that person see more than just my mask. I get vulnerable. I let my guard down.
This bites me in the butt more than I care to admit. I need to keep that promise that I've made to myself. I need to stop opening up. My heart can only be sewn up so many times before it's just full of stitches, and you can't see anything else.
Take this for instance. One day, you find someone that makes you feel like a child on Christmas morning. Excited. Ready to open up. Weak in the knees. You say to yourself, "No, we can't do this again. We've been hurt too many times. Make them work for it. Don't volunteer information." But do you listen to yourself? No. And it happens all over again.
Now take a look through my eyes. I am the person that is here for everyone. I am the person that others run to when they need someone to talk to and they need to vent. I am the person that everyone else says, "Hey, talk to her. She's a good listener." What if I'm tired of being that person? What if I need to have someone to run to when I need to vent? What if I want it to be my turn to talk instead of always listening? Will I ever get that chance? Will I ever be able to just rant without someone making it about them?
Will I ever not be the person that always listen?
Will my heart ever be full again?
Even though I ask myself these questions all the time, it seems that I will never get an answer. So, I continue to go through the vicious cycle. Always being the person that lets the wrong person in, and then turn around and can't talk to anyone about it... because they're all the wrong people.
I am the person that always looks happy. You may look at me and see a smile on my face, but that doesn't mean that I'm not crumbling on the inside. I always put a brave face on and take care of others first, when in reality, I need to have someone be that shoulder to lean on for me.
In reality, I know it will never happen. I know I will still always be that person, but it's always nice to dream of having a different role.
Having the different role would be something that would mean the world to me so I could have the chance to not always have the burden of everyone else’s problems on my shoulders. While I definitely don’t mind being the person that everyone comes to talk to, it would just be nice to not have to worry about the texts that say, “Hey, can we talk? I need to vent,” or, “Hey, I need to ask you something,” for once. It would be nice to just receive a “Hey, how are you?” or, “Hey, what’s up?” text once in a while instead of “Hey, can I call cause I need to talk,” or, “Hey, we’ve got a problem.” Everyone has problems, everyone has drama going on in their life.
Oh, for the day to arrive that we don’t have drama or that we don’t have something going on that takes us away from just being ourselves and being happy for once.
As I’ve said before, I don’t mind being the shoulder to lean on, but it’s definitely nice to live care-free sometimes.