Losing a Best Friend

No one ever talks about the heartbreak that comes with losing a best friend. It's something that we all go through at one time or another, but everyone's story is different, whether you're the one to blame or it's entirely the other person's fault. In my experience, I was dropped, seemingly out of the blue, for a singular moment of pure selfishness. It was not one of my highest points, had just had a panic attack the night before and was still recovering, though none of it excuses my actions. I understand why it had to happen now, though it took time and a lot of self-reflection. I had completely shattered myself because the one person who I thought would stand by me no matter what had left me high and dry in my moment of weakness. It was utterly heartbreaking, and I never thought that I would get over it. Even now, it being four months since I have talked to this person (besides in hostile remarks on her part and subtweets on Twitter), and I am still not completely over it.

There are a lot of things that I am leaving out for the sake of you, the reader. Just know that relationships are a two way street. I may have messed up and done damage, but I saw my fault and apologized immediately on several different occasions. That was one thing that I learned through all of this, as well as in past experiences with different people. If you do something wrong, apologize, even if it's not easy. Because I may have been picking myself apart, not worrying about building myself back up because I had hurt someone that I deeply cared about. I did not think of myself once throughout the experience, and if I did, it was not in a loving way. It was in utter hatred and distaste. I did not know who I had become, didn't recognize myself in all of the harsh words and actions that people who I loved were spitting at me. I messed up and instead of allowing me the common decency of working through things together, just like we had done in the past, I was dropped without a second glance.

Who was I without my best friend? Who had I been for the past five years that we had been friends? Who was she, this person who I thought I knew so well and who I thought knew me, if she could just spit me out when I had one lapse in judgement? Was she waiting for me to mess up all along so that she could run when it could look like she did nothing wrong and all the blame was on me? I had so many questions, many of which are left unanswered and will most likely always be left unanswered. For a long time, I struggled with that. I had no way of reaching out to her without her throwing me back in my place with harsh words that would ring in my head for weeks after. Not to say that I didn't try, because I did, so many times. And each time was worst than the last. I would build myself up and hope for the best, only to be shot down within minutes, which would lead to tears and sobs for days after.

I had lost sight of who I was throughout all of this. That may have been the saddest part now that I look back on it. I thought that whatever happened was all because of me and had nothing to do with the other person. I thought that all of those horrible things that I would whisper to myself in secret were all true. I was selfish. I was mean. I was this monster that she made me feel like I was. And it took months for me to rebuild myself, after weeks and weeks of self-demeaning, dark conversations with myself, days of me pretending to be okay only to break down if anyone asked about her. I hardly remember it, which is probably for the best, because of how low I felt. All the days blended into one. The summer that we were supposed to spend together was just a single drawn-out day for me. The good thing that came out of this was that I got help and survived. The people that I had surrounding me turned out to be the most amazing people I will ever come across in my life. They never told me that they saw it coming all along or that I needed to stop talking about it (because at times it was all I could talk about). They simply listened and offered advice where it was welcome. They never pushed me to get better, just watched as I tore myself apart only to rebuild myself back up again. That was how I realized that all of this, the heartbreak and betrayal, the harsh words and cruel actions, all of it, was meant to happen. I was only meant to be friends with her for a short amount of time, so that I could learn from it, as well as come out of it a better version of myself. I had to go through it to know and understand how people can be the exact opposite of what you think they are, that they can flip a switch and show you a side of them that you never knew they had. I thought that I would be friends with her forever because of how well we got along and how conscious we were of the other person's feelings. I couldn't have been more wrong. And that's okay. The ones that were there for me after all was said and done are the ones that I am supposed to surround myself with. They are what I thought she was. And that is the most valuable lesson that I could have ever learned.