Losing a Friend

Dear Past Me,

2017 is supposed to be your year, the year you graduate, the year you get your first car and the year that you get accepted into your dream school. You thought this was going to be your year, but in 2017 you're going to lose your childhood best friend. It's going to be so hard on you, but it is going to help you grow. The thought of your future without this person sounds crazy, trust me I know. Maybe at some point, you'll come together again. But let's be honest, the bond will never be the same. All of the people that care about you are going to worry. They'll tell you things like "you'll be ok" or "you don't need her." They will think they're helping by saying this, but they don't know the kind of pain you're feeling. All of the positive things people are telling you, don't make the situation any easier. And for some reason, any time someone talks badly about that person, you still defend them. You have to remember that it's not your job anymore. You don't need to defend someone who hurt you.

You're going to sleep a lot, cry a lot, and eventually leave school because being in a room filled with people laughing with their friends is going to become too much for your anxiety, and make you feel like the room is closing in on you. Your grades will start to drop because you can't wrap your head around living life without the one person you lived your whole life with this far... Since the time you were four years old, you had done everything together, you were inseparable. A piece of you is gone. Nobody understands the heartbreak you're going through. You have no motivation to do anything. You can't help but think over and over again, "what did I do wrong?" Wondering what it is that you had went wrong and what could have been done to avoid this. You would never pick someone over your best friend, so why did she do it to you? The unanswered question haunts you for months, and rarely leaves your mind. But even after this, you will still be told "this isn't the end of the world." But to you, it is the end of the world, your world. The only world that you have ever experienced is with this person. And because of them, you have never had to do anything alone, so now what do you do?

You're going to start sleeping a lot, because it seems to be the only thing that makes you feel better. It's not, please get up and go do something with your day. Go out with your mom, or cousin, maybe even a friend from work. Don't just sit in your room looking at old messages and pictures, what is that doing to help you? That bracelet she got you, you still wear it. Why? It feels natural. Take it off, you need to let the connections break. The pictures on your wall, you leave them up and let them continue to bring a tear to your eye every time you look at them. Take them down, stop looking at the past and look toward the future. That hole you punched in your wall...reminds you of the overwhelming anger and heartbreak you felt. Move your dresser in front of it, stop looking at it and being sucked back into the memories of that night.

You're going to lose a lot of trust in people, but be careful. Actually, your trust is going to be destroyed, because this was the first person you ever put all of your trust into. But, you have a couple good people on your side, please don't punish them for other people's mistakes. This is just a deep wound, but eventually, it will heal over. Some people are going to get annoyed with you and your actions while you're grieving like this. Let them, they just don't understand. You were betrayed for the first time in your life, by someone you spent your whole childhood with. The truth is, you're not okay, but eventually you will be. Do not do anything that you will regret. You're going to be okay again. And you're going to create new bonds that are even stronger than the one you had lost. The one that you thought was irreplaceable. Sometimes, you have to lose someone to find the right one.