Losing a Friend

The cliché saying that “life is rollercoaster” has never felt truer. I feel like I’ve been left gasping for breath, having just surpassed a turn I wasn’t expecting, waiting for the next plot twist to come. No obstacle has been overcome. One second I was fine, and the next...

I wasn’t.

Two weeks ago, I was telling my friend how lucky I felt to be surrounded by such and incredible group of people, and now I’m left wondering how I could have been so wrong. It’s like the past four years have been a horror movie where the hero turns villain—or maybe she was just pretending all along. Why am I not good enough to make anyone stay?

It feels like being deflated. I go through moments where I forget all of the hell that has encapsulated the past two weeks of my life, and will continue to define many more in the future. But every once in a while I remember; those moments have taught me that sometimes ignorance really is bliss.

When I remember, all of the air rushes out of my body, and I’m left with this nauseating thought of “what on earth did I do to deserve this?” Because when you’re blindsided by one of the only people you trusted more than yourself, all of your safety nets are gone and you are left with nothing but a dizzying feeling of hopelessness.

Then comes the anger. The realization hits and brings with it so much rage over the idea that you’ve done nothing but give everything in yourself to a person who only knows how to take. You start to remember the thousands of times you said “It’s okay” or “I’m fine” in the past, and you don’t want to feel that pulsating guilt anymore. You try so so so hard to get rid of it but your heart is a separate entity than your mind and life isn’t always fair.

There’s no easy way to get through losing someone who is still alive, but you’ve got to remind yourself that it will get easier. It has to. Eventually you are going to get used to the idea that people are inevitably going to leave—that you are going to have to exist on your own, surrounded by the people that matter. Those who are meant to stay in your life will, and everything happens for a reason. It’s as complicatedly simple as that.

Fast forward to four weeks later, when the anger has resolved to sadness and I no longer believe the best case scenario would be to rewind the clock and indulge that blissful ignorance just a little longer. Distance has given me clarity. One of the things I'm teaching myself to learn and love is that I will not beg. I refuse to forgive and forget something that has left me broken simply because it was easier to not know. New year, new me, I guess.

My point is that, if you've been hurt by someone close to you, give yourself space. You deserve time to make a decision that is not clouded by other people's biases. I'm not trying to convince you that you should leave them in the past and never look back. I am trying to say that not everyone deserves you or will stay in your life forever. There's a difference between someone who is a word, sentence, chapter, or title of your story. I expected someone to be a recurring chapter in my story until the end, but things do not always work out as planned.

This year, I am striving to make my name the title of my own story. At the end of the day, I want to be the only person I depend on and those I am surrounded by are people who will only enhance my tale.