Losing a Friend

I was 25 when my best friend passed away. She was on her way to work, and a distracted driver crossed the yellow line and hit her head on. She died instantly.

Nicole was a beacon of strength and light in my life. She understood me better than anyone else. We had similar experiences and I knew we could tell each other anything without the fear of judgment or worry that the other might spread our secrets around.

We met in 6th grade and despite being in different classes, bonded quickly and became inseparable pretty much from the beginning. We had squabbles and arguments, but she was my first true friend. We got over our disagreements quickly and our friendship never suffered for a difference of opinion.

We talked every day via Messenger, right up until the day before she died.

I was five months pregnant with my first child and living in Alberta, Canada, with my now husband when I got the news. A mutual friend messaged me and said she needed to call, but she was in class. I gave her my number and waited for her to call me as soon as she could.

Until that day, I don't think I knew what true heartbreak was. Everyone has someone who has passed away, whether expectedly from old age or illness, or tragically unexpected, like an accident. This wasn't my first loss but it is the one I felt the hardest.

To say I feel like a part of my heart and soul is missing would be an unfair understatement. I feel like it was ripped into pieces and strewn around a room that houses a high powered fan on full blast. I know I've collected most of the pieces but it is putting them back together in the right way that has been difficult; eight years later and I am still not sure it's done right.

The day before her death, Nicole and I chatted for a few minutes about my upcoming delivery and how she planned to visit me after the delivery, speculated on gender, and names. Typical best friend banter. I told her to be safe driving to work the next morning as I knew she usually left the house before sunrise.

If I had known that was the last time I was going to have to talk to Nicole, I would have told her that her friendship came at the time in my life when I needed it most. I would have told her that I valued our conversations and saw her as a sister and kindred spirit, the ying to my yang. I would have told her she was beautiful and that I loved her, because I think those are words women should tell their female friends, (and I make sure to say it to all my friends now.)

My daughter, Lucy, is 4-years-old. The night she was born, a tiny little nurse came in and asked to hold her. I handed her over and she started crying and revealed to me she was Nicole's step-sister and when she saw her name written on the register she had to come visit. Lucy Nicole.

I knew Nicole's name would live on with my children. I just didn't know when. My daughter is a beautiful, bright, spunky, unicorn loving rainbow baby sent to me when my heart needed to heal. I'm not sure where life is going to take me, but I hope wherever I end up when it's over—is exactly where Nicole is now.