Lost

Sometimes in life, we see what we want and we have all the right intentions to get there.

Sometimes in life the right intentions put you in a completely different place than you expected.

And sometimes it’s for the best.

2017.October.

I am sitting at home while my fiancé is at the police academy training to be part of the elite few who are brave enough to serve. Turns out the events that followed led me to a place I never thought I would be, the military.

After graduating the police academy I threw my fiancé a party, after the party was over I waited for him to say his goodbyes and sat in the car. I got a gut feeling when his phone went off. I’d never looked at it before, but one thing that made me do it was when he told me all of his new friends on the force had been cheating on their wives. I told him it would be okay as long as he didn’t follow in their footsteps. But after seven years, I never thought he would do that. While I was scrolling I started to feel bad because the girl was texting him all the time but they never said anything horrible. I continued to scroll and I saw him say “Oh so I finally get to see you in some sexy scrubs?” I was livid. I was mad and started crying and when he finally got in the car I bluntly asked him what I just read. He told me it was nothing and it was just a joke and he apologized. I’ve been with him for a long time and decided that it really was probably nothing and I was just overreacting.

2017.November.

My fiancé was still in night shift rotation and I was sitting alone watching the bachelor then I got a notification on instagram... from the girl he had been texting. She said “your fiancé is cheating on you with me, we slept together.” In that moment, I think part of me died. I didn’t want to believe it so I asked her a million questions, and then I left. I came home the next morning and asked him if it was true and he said no. I believed him. Then I couldn’t get it out of my head because this girl had no reason to lie to me. I cried, and I asked him again and he said no. I continued to ask him and ask why she was lying to me if it didn’t happen, and then my worst fear came true. He said, "Lyon deserves better, because I did it.” He started to cry and I just hugged him and told him it was going to be okay and that we were going to get through it. I asked him why he didn’t tell me and he said he didn’t want to lose me.

2017.December.

Things weren’t the same, he was my first and I couldn’t get the image out of my mind of some girl straddling him in the front seat of a car. I called off the wedding for May. I wasn’t able to return the dress. And he harassed my next boyfriend and me until the point that my dad suggested a restraining order. I couldn’t take his job from him, so I didn’t take my dad's advice and I just took the mental abuse. I couldn’t let go of him though, I loved him so much.

2017.January.

My new boyfriend was the complete opposite of my previous, a drug dealer and coke user. I didn’t care though. Nothing could be worse than losing my best friend. He was the second guy I ever did anything with and I got so sick to my stomach I threw up and kicked him out. Then I felt so bad I went back to my now ex-fiancé and cried and told him what happened and we had sex too. I was so lost and I told him that I had sex with my boyfriend or not anymore boyfriend but he didn’t care, he just told me it was going to be okay. I believed him.

A couple weeks later, my best friend was talking to me saying she thought she was pregnant; this made me realize I hadn’t had a period either. So I took us both to the doctor and we took tests and we were both pregnant... I didn’t know who the dad was, I was sure it was my ex-fiancé's because we didn’t use protection and with the other guy we did. I told my ex-fiancé—we will call him B for less confusion—and he told me it was going to be okay and we started looking for a bigger house. I also told my ex-boyfriend—we will call him X—and he was mad at me. After about a week both of them continuously were fighting and I didn’t know what to do. I put myself in quite the predicament. I had my appointment set up to get the ultrasound and I picked B to go with me because he was the one I actually cared about. When we went, I found out that I lost the baby and that it ended up being X’s and I just cried bc no matter who the dad was the baby was half of me. And I loved it and I was excited to meet it.

After, I found out I was super depressed and B didn’t understand why I was sad about losing the other guy's baby. I realized he had changed a lot and I left him again. I dropped out of college, lost all my scholarships, and lived with X.

A phone call later my dad informed me he lost his house. I had been getting into yoga to find myself again and applied at a yoga school in Thailand. I sold almost all of my stuff to get the plane ticket, food, and living expenses. Then B called mad that I was dating X again due to his drug habits and he told me to pay him for the phone he bought me. I told him I didn’t have any money because I worked a really crappy job and he knew that. So he took it out of my Thailand funds. With less than a month left I was unable to go. But even that, I kept going. I wasn’t going to work a dead-end job forever. So I pushed through my feelings and applied to Delta Airlines. I got an interview, but I wasn’t picked for the job because I didn’t have enough experience. So I went with the next best thing, serving for my country so that all the people I love could continue to be happy and free.

The point of my story is not for pity, during this time of my life where everything went so wrong that I learnt to adapt. Life is hard and full of downs. But if you think it’s bad, try to see the opportunity that could come from it. I am sure I will not retire in the military but this is my stepping stone to greater things. Without living above my lows, I might still have been miserable and let the downs of my life consume me, instead, all of my goals are with my dog in mind.

Lean into it; life may put you into situations you weren’t prepared for, but you can’t predict what you will be presented. So take the situation you have whether you see it as good or bad and find the opportunity in it. I’m still finding my way but I’m not lost anymore, I see the silver lining.