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Lost

I think that I am a lesbian.

Photo by Rob-Tol in Unsplash

Hi there, my name is Minnie and like this story is titled, I am lost. I am nearing sixty, been married for half that to a very devoted man, but I think that I am a Lesbian. This is my story.

I have been doing a lot of reading lately. I have checked books out at the library, read every book my kindle has on the subject and it has only left me with more questions than answers. I want someone to tell me if I am a lesbian or not. It seems very hard to find the answers.

I love my husband very much. We have amazing children together that are all grown now, living their own lives. None of them are gay or even remotely confused like I find myself to be. If I was to talk to any of them or even ask what they thought, I am positive they would laugh at me or send me to the nut house. I can almost hear their responses if I told them how I feel. Either "But mom... you have been married to dad forever!" or maybe simply, " Mom, that is so gross." So you see, I can't talk to them at all.

What makes this even harder for me is that I am a Christian. I grew up going to church, that is actually where my husband and I met. We had a beautiful church wedding, the kind every girl dreams about. And of course, we raised our kids in church too. If I really am a Christian though I would not be writing this would I? I mean the Bible is full of stories on Gods view of homosexuality. Sodom and Gomorrah  is probably the most known story to 'church people.' Suffering the vengeance of eternal fire, burning in hell. The Bible has no 'happy ever after' stories stating God's love of this lifestyle. This just leads me to more questions. As if denying everything I have learned to believe on this subject my entire life isn't enough.

Some of my studies have said that people are born gay. That even their parents know from the get-go that they are not behaving as their sex dictates they should be. If this is the truth then I am not a lesbian. 

Other books and stories that I have read and devoured for answers, sound more like me. Men and woman alike have fallen out of love with their spouses to pursue love of a same gender person. Some are or even have gone through sex changes. Now I know that is not me. I like being a female. The idea of trading in my curves for a penis is just so not going to happen! Besides...isn't changing your sex saying that God made a mistake.

He doesn't make mistakes right? I mean if he is the creator of all living things great and small, then there is no mistake. Children are born every day with a missing limb, their sight or even their hearing. Are those babies mistakes... I don't think that for even a second.

I do know, that even growing up in a church, that gays have existed for a much longer time than I have been alive. I have had several friends in my life that have been gay. I have loved them as much as my straight friends. They are loving people like everyone else. 

I thought that people became gay or lesbian due to some horrific sexual assault in their lifetime. Maybe incest or rape made them change into not wanting to be with the opposite sex. I thought that maybe if not sexually assaulted, then maybe simply abused by a parent or even the absence of a parent in their life. For some of my gay friends, this is true. Then again, some knew from the very beginning that they desired the same sex in a partner.

Okay, so why with all this knowledge I have from my reading, research, and personal friends would I think I am a lesbian? Well, I totally love sex! And my husband and I have retired from sex. It's been probably six years now. Since the last kiddo moved out to be exact. And I find women to be absolutely beautiful. Women have wonderful bodies. Lots of curves to look at and to touch.

For now, I think I am going to keep these feelings to myself. Well, myself and everybody who reads this. Maybe I should talk to my Pastor too. I really am kind of scared about eternity in hell. Wish me luck!