Lost and Found

I knew that I was a queen. I knew that I was beautiful. Come to think of it, I could’ve gotten anything that I’ve wanted. My hair was always done, nails always done. Shoot, my skin was flawless. Only thing I was missing was a boyfriend.

One day I finally met someone. He was so handsome. His whole existence made me melt. I never thought a man could be as perfect as he presented himself. Skin clear, nice hair, and a nice deep sexy voice. Hell, I couldn’t keep my panties dry.

He captured me more with his smile. His smile was so charming. However, it also showed me a bit of our future. It’s almost like his smile could speak for itself. I will make you happy, but I will turn your life upside down at the same time. Ha! I’ll never ignore my instincts.

We were happy. We spent so much time together. Every weekend we were out for a thrill. By the way, sex was amazing, phen-mazing, som-azing, gre-mazing. At one point we were in love with each other. I knew he was the one. At least I thought I did.

One day everything changed. My perfect amazing man had a dark cloud over his head. It was invisible, but I could always see it. He became so angry, bored, and just not the man I once knew and loved so much. Everything would make him mad. He stopped being that happy soul that attracted me.

No, wait, stop! Are you ok? What’s wrong babe? Do you need something? I’m here for you and I love you. I caught myself repeating myself and questioning him everyday. Still nothing was clear.

One day he’d punch a wall, throw a fit. I thought it was a phase. Some days he’ll shut me out. Then I became the whole reason he was feeling the way he did. Whop! Woosh! Was I just hit? Did he just hit me? As tough as I am I wouldn’t dare let anyone lay a finger on me. He hit me and I did nothing about it.

I needed someone to console me. Instead I consoled him. I let him know that I’m aware of the fact that he’s battling something. He knew I would always be there for him. Naive of me! I gave him a platform to now take advantage of me and abuse me.

Why didn’t I just leave? Physical abuse became a pattern. One day I was washing the dishes. As I washed the dishes I would feel sore as my abdomen rubbed against the counter top. My breast were shaped in a banana curved form. I stuffed my face in crunchy cheese flavored chips. If you knew me then you’d know I only liked cheesy puff like chips. So I drove to the dollar store and grabbed a pregnancy test. I knew something was not right and I just wanted to cross my t’s and dot my i’s. 30 seconds into that test were two pink lines.

I was scared, yet happy. I just thought this would bring the happiness back into my boyfriends life once he found out. I rushed to him and shared the news and boy, oh boy was I a nervous wreck. He took it well and he was happy. The next morning I woke up renewed just knowing things would be different. I was wrong. He nip picked at everything that morning. It’s gotten to the point that we even argued. Next I'd find myself on the ground. Im pregnant how could you just push me onto the grass. What just happened? That day changed my life.

Here comes depression, cheers to being antisocial. Let’s make a toast to insecurity. Few months passed, and I’ve taken so much verbal and physical abuse. My mental and health could not stand it any longer. I’ve lost my self worth and could no longer find myself. I was the black bitch to my white boyfriend. The horrible cook. Ugly maid. According to him I couldn’t do anything right. I doubted myself in everything I believed in or could do. Who was I?

The day I cried the hardest and loudest is the day my water broke. I met a beautiful human being. My beautiful sweet girl. Her smile overtook my soul. It showed me our future. I knew I’d forever be happy and always loved. I knew my life would change forever and I was happy. I found myself and my worth. I was so lost and now I am so found. Thank you babygirl for saving me. I will forever love you. You were all I was missing.

The end.