Lost Session

Background information: This is supposed to be a therapy session. Two lovers, Adam and Kait, both end up at the same therapist and coincidentally talk about the same problem. This story goes back and fourth from the two point of views.

Bold: Adam speaking

Unbold slanted: Kait speaking

Beauty. Love. Admiration. Intimacy. Honesty. I wanted my life to revolve around it all, because at that moment I just wanted to release.

*** “Tell me…Do you know what it's like for them to just leave?”

I was in the library studying for my final exam. I couldn’t help but notice her staring at me. She had short black hair, with brown eyes and smooth caramel skin. I really didn’t pay her any mind, because this exam was more important than some girl, and Mr. Fitz wouldn’t be too thrilled if I let this minor distraction deter me from my work. She approached me calmly and asked if I needed any help. I kindly told her “no” and continued on with my assignments. This same event happened for two weeks and then one day, I decided to tell her, “yes, I need some help.” Granted, I thought she was annoying, but I needed help and she was willing to do the helping. Everything was going well, but with each moment I felt her. I felt her analyzing each part of me. I don’t think uncomfortable would be the proper adjective to describe my feelings then. “What was she doing?” Examining me wouldn’t help with anything, especially this work. But in the midst of my frustration, I hesitantly saw in her what she's been seeing in me. The whole love thing wasn’t for me at the time. I thought that by falling in love, you were initially signing yourself up for heartbreak, and that was not something I wanted to do.

Confusion. Lost. Suffocation. Guilt. Sadly, my life was revolving around that and I just wanted to release.

*** “Do you know how hard it was to just leave?”

I was in the library doing my daily shift of stacking books, and I felt like being here. I’m just waiting for the moment I get what I’ve always been longing for. But that didn’t seem to be happening until I saw him. I mean I’ve read the novels and the quotes and the poems and I’m pretty sure I feel it. You know that indistinguishable infatuation you feel for someone you have yet to meet? He had eyes that sparkled like the stars in then sky and hair that fell perfectly in place and his skin was as clear as day. I can tell he was paying me no mind, but with that, I exerted my full attention towards him, even taking a chance in asking him if he needs assistance. He said “no” but being the person I am; I was very persistent. Lucky for me, it paid off and, if I wasn’t mistaken, he was giving me the same look I’ve been exchanging to him. I think that was the moment.

*** “Are you aware of how good that feels, looking up and realizing that the sea you’ve been staring at has a shore?”

You know your private thoughts can be tricky at times. They’re always there no matter what. It's like one of the most annoying, but inevitable things known, and right then and there I was thinking about everything. Why does she bite her lip? Why does she have to tap her pen against her book when she’s in deep concentration? And don’t get me started on the way she moves her hair out of her face when she looks up at me. I decided I couldn’t take it anymore, so I slammed my book shut and stood up and headed for the door. As I looked back, I could see that she was dumbfounded at my sudden impulse.

*** “Do you think that’s reason?”

As a reader, I’ve had my fair share of romance novels and I don’t know what it is about him. As I am sitting here, all I could think about is how I’m growing fond of his hair, his lips, his eye, his smile even the way he smells is making me weak. I can’t help but think about how beautiful he looks sitting across from me. Every aspect of his body seems to be handcrafted to perfection and he doesn’t even realize it. Call me desperate all you want. But I was ready to make this work. I wanted him to feel me scoping him out as I tilted my head to the left, with pure fascination, every time he asked me a question. I wanted him to see that all I wanted to do was make him happy by successfully answering each of his inquiries, but all it did was make me think and all it did to him was make him leave. Pull the covers over me, I don’t want anyone to see me. Run out of class, I don’t want anyone to see my face. Close the curtains, I don’t want anyone to see me cry. Sit here alone, utterly embarrassed — I’ve been exposed.

*** “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”

But I don’t care. I thought I made it very clear that love wasn’t a part of the description of asking for help. But there was something really significant about me leaving her there alone. It felt empowering in a sense. I needed to get away and just think about everything I had on my plate. I decided to go to the park across the street and sit on the bench where everything in life just seemed a bit more tolerable.

Him walking out was probably the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to me. A part of me told me to just let him go but a bigger part of me told me to go after him…so I did. He was sitting on the park bench outside of the library and the look on his face was complex. I couldn’t tell if he was angry, upset or just deep in thought. I took a seat next to him, looked him in the eyes and asked, “why?” In all honesty, the look he gave me made me want to help him. I felt like his soul was asking for help, but didn’t know how.

*** “Does that sound dumb?”

I wish you could see the way she was looking at me. She had the most genuine eyes that told nothing but the truth, which was what I was hoping to express someday. I can tell her intentions were good. She wasn’t here to hurt me or ridicule me in my time of confusion. She was here to help just like she was in the library. But why did she have to see right through me? That’s like the worst thing, going out in the world thinking that you have the most unbreakable walls and yet someone can see through them, like they're transparent. Pride being the most important thing to me, I snapped at her. I raised my voice in a composed, but enforcing tone, and said, “Why are you so fond of me? I feel like you have me confined in some sort of love prison and you’re the only one with a key. Well I won't be a prisoner, I can’t.”

Is it foolish that even with him yelling at me, I fell harder for him? I forgave him for yelling. I mean people forgive the ones they care for because they want to keep them in their lives. Although I knew exactly what I wanted to say to reply to his question of why I am so fond of him, the words just wouldn’t come out. It was as if my vocal cords completely stopped working. All I could do is look into his deep brown eyes and wonder who hurt him so bad that he refuses to love. Love is the most beautiful thing that we humans have on earth, and it hurt me to see someone be so frightened of it. I just couldn’t understand; I mean, I wasn’t going to hurt him.

*** “The irony, huh?”

She didn’t speak a word after I was done yelling. We sat there in silence until she said the words that changed my whole outlook on her...“I forgive you.” I never apologized to begin with, why was she apologizing? Then it hit me. Throughout all the yelling and me pushing her away, she is still willing to give me a chance and have me in her life. I mean how could I be so stupid, not realizing something like that in front of me. But I think it's too late to admit I was being rude or arrogant, because I’m realizing life isn’t meant to live alone.

*** “I should have never shown her that side of me…”

Don’t take this as eerie or anything, but that side of him is so beautiful. You ever had that moment with this person you like and they show you a scar they truly believe is horrid but you find it so intriguing and essentially lovely? Only because that’s the exact opposite of how they feel and it's something they fear, like a natural born imperfection. Well I adore it, I’m not saying I like being yelled at, but I know he didn’t mean it, and I only want to discover him more, because I know all diamonds aren’t perfect.

Enough holding back and enough trying to push her away. I took her hand and said “I like you and I think I might actually want you as much as you want me.” I finally saw a smile on her face and I knew that that was the view I wanted to witness for the rest of my life. But first I had a question for her. “What’s your name?”

Speechless. That’s what I was. I mean, I only dreamed that he would...he would say those three simple words to me, but I never thought that I would be so fortunate to have it happen in real life! I liked him too. A lot, and it made me ecstatic to know that he feels the same way as me…My name — of course he would ask me my name. I mean, you can’t start anything special without knowing the slight details about that person first. I felt cheesy and knew I looked cheesy, because, with the biggest smile on my face — each corner of my mouth going from ear to ear — I said, “Kait, Kait is my name.” Surprisingly enough, though, when he heard my name, he too had that cheesy smile; and the sparkle in his eye, that I first noticed when I laid eyes on him, seemed to grow brighter. This seemed right.

“Kait…that is a stunning name. My name is Adam.” I couldn’t seem to stop smiling, my stomach was turning, and my heart racing faster than the cars from the Fast and Furious movies, and with all that going on, I didn’t mind, because it felt good to sit and look at someone who you want to spend your life with. It felt great to see someone and think this seemed right. Enough of the lovey dovey stuff, I had to think of my next step. Where was I going to take her on our first date? What are her interests? This was going to be harder than I thought and I didn’t want to just leave things between us with the whole 'I like you.' I wanted her to go home knowing that we had a special date coming…But what?

“Adam, I love it!” Could I have sounded more odd? In Hebrew the name Adam means “to be red” and that’s exactly how he made me look when I was around him. I just couldn’t stop blushing around him, and I swear I probably looked like a ripe tomato every time I was with him. When you’re with someone you care about, you lose track of time. You talk for hours and don’t even notice it’s been hours. That’s how it was with Adam, except we weren’t talking. It was the longest silence I’ve ever been in and I cherished every minute of it, but it was time for me to go home and I didn’t want to leave…I sadly told him that I had to go before my parents got there; I mustn’t be late again.

I was so stupid! Why did I let her leave without me asking her out on a proper date? Now she’s going to go home and wonder what we are. Are we dating? Are we just talking? Are we totally platonic? She had strict parents, I can tell, and because of that I had the perfect idea in mind. I followed her home and, once I knew where she lived, I went back home and put on the nicest suit I had in my closet, bought some flowers for her, and made my way back to her house. The whole time I was driving there, I was thinking of what I should say. “Hello sir, my name is Adam and I would like to take your daughter out on a date to…” I still haven’t gotten that far, but I’m sure that once I get there I will think of something! I stand in front of her door, for what seems like forever, holding the flowers in one hand and the other hand in the air ready to ring the door bell, but not being able to. All I could do is think things that I shouldn’t think. What if her parents hate me? What if they say no? What if — enough! I need to man up and go with my plan. I ring the doorbell and wait for a response. An average-sized woman opens the door and greets me with a warm smile and says, “Hello, may I help you?” I tell her that I know her daughter and that I would love to talk to her and her husband. She gives me a worried smile, and tells me she’ll be right out with her husband. This didn’t seem to be going well already. She came back with a tall man who looked down at me with a pitiful look. They showed me to the garden, sat down on the bench and told me to talk. “Hi…sir and ma’am, my name is uh…Adam and I would be very grateful if I could maybe take your daughter out on a date to a coffee shop to talk about futures, interests, dislikes, and hobbies?” Wow. Why did I say all that? I should have ended it at coffee shop! They looked at me, then at each other, and then at me again, and then at each other again, and finally back at me, and said yes. Her mother had a nice smile on her face, but her father had a face that seemed upset with the decision.

*2 years later*

Is it cliché to say that I fell in love with the guy of my dreams? Am I allowed to use that word — love? It’s such a small word with such huge meaning. But what even is love? So many people ask that question and, to me, love is when you know you can get hurt, but you don’t care. You live in the moment of what's happening, not the constant paranoia of when something bad is going to happen. With Adam, I never pictured us breaking up, losing connection, I just always pictured us being together, right here in the moment. Adam was more than just a lover, he was my best friend and being with him for two years really changed me. A lot of people did not approve of Adam though. It was rough. My parents weren’t too fond of him and don’t even get me started with my friends. Okay, he wasn’t the smartest person in our class, and he wasn’t the most responsible, but who are they to judge the person I fell in love with? His flaws are the most beautiful part of him and if people don’t like it, then screw them.

When I first told her I loved her, I was nervous. We were at a bookstore trying to find a book she wanted, and I didn’t know how to say it really, it just spits out like second nature. I pulled her aside from the bookshelf, held her hands, looked her in her big beautiful eyes and said, “I love you.” Whenever you tell someone you love them, make sure to look at their eyes, because you can tell a lot from a person just by looking in their eyes. For instance, before I told her, her eyes were just a puddle of brown, floating, looking up at me. But after I told her, that puddle of brown turned into a watery brown lake of pure excitement. She looked at me and smiled before telling me, “I love you too.” Waiting is the scariest part though. Did I say it too soon? Does she feel the same way? Then once you get the answer you want, your heart pumps into a rhythm you didn’t even know existed in the human body. Everyone around you seems to be a glare and the only light that’s shining is on her. I didn’t mind that everyone in her life didn’t approve of me, because she approved of me and that was the only approval that mattered.

When he told me he loved me, I felt it again. I felt the feeling I felt when I first saw him. I felt the feeling I felt when he showed me his ugly side or when he gracefully told me he wanted me. Let me tell you, I felt everything all over again. People pray that one day they’ll have certain moments repeated in their lives, because at one time it felt so amazing to them, but in reality, they don’t know how damn good it feels to have them come back all at once. Thankfully, I do and without any regret in the world I said, “I love you too.” But every time something good is happening in my life, bad moments seem to catch up to me. Saying screw you to everyone isn’t as easy as it sounds, because they don't just leave it there. It’s a constant battle with my friends and family about him and my name isn’t Juliet I don’t have to prove that Adam is my Romeo, because I know in my heart that he is. I know my friends might think he is changing me, but they have no idea how much they are right. Yes, he is changing me, but in the most beautiful way possible. Adam is showing me the way a rose is supposed to blossom and I have no fear that one day I will give myself to him in the most passionate way possible.

One afternoon, I got home and I found my parents in the family room and they looked furious. I asked what was wrong and, all of a sudden, my dad jumped and said “it’s that boy, that’s what’s wrong.” I snapped back and asked what he was talking about. My mom calmed him down and they showed me a rejection letter from this college I signed up for, knowing I was really excited about going to that one. I understood where they were coming from, but that didn’t give them the right to blame my failure or misfortune on Adam. I snapped back and yelled, “You guys don't know him the way I do. You don't see him the way I do and I messed up! I can say it! I messed up! I’m not perfect and I’m done trying to be!” I ran out the house in tears, because even though you want every little thing in your life to be right, the universe just doesn’t work like that and I give my all, but my walls are crashing down and I can’t hold them up anymore. I sped off to Adam's house and I called him while I was on the way. I doubt he understood what I was saying on the phone, but I just wanted him to know what everyone else was saying was irrelevant and I chose him. I couldn’t control my emotions, but more importantly, I control the tears. All of a sudden, our memories just came to me, the moment I fell in love with him, the moment our hands touched — but they merged with the screams of my parents and the disappointed faces of my friends and, just like hearing a cardiac monitor in that moment, my heart stopped and my car flipped over.

*** “Just when I thought my life had just begun.”

What the hell is going on? I feel like, at one moment, everything is going fine and within one afternoon all hell breaks loose? She's calling me and I can’t understand anything she’s saying and then I hear her say, “I chose you” and a loud crash. You know how hard it is for the last words from someone that means so much to you to be so emotional. My stomach dropped just like I was on a roller coaster, but this time I can’t get off. I scream her name, “Kait!” I’m going crazy and I call the police and they tell me the hospital she’ll be going to. I grab my keys and rush there, screaming like I’ve lost my mind, because I know if I lose her, my body will shut down physically and mentally. I go to the desk and yell, “Where’s Kait?” Everyone looks so damn confused and the last thing I will do is entertain these people and let them waste my time. As I turn around to get some help, I see the doctors rushing her in. And Lord, I didn’t know angels died! I ran to her, grabbing her hand, telling her that I’m not going anywhere. I tend to keep that promise.

You know that theory where they say when you’re dying you see your life flash before your eyes and you’re shown 7 seconds of memory? I experienced that, except it was all the memories of Adam and I. I saw us laughing so hard that we cried and crying so hard that we laughed. I saw our first date, when he rented out the whole library and set up a picnic inside. I saw...everything. And then all at once, it vanished. The next thing I remembered, was waking up in a hospital, not recalling what happened. The doctors said I could have died and luckily I didn’t. So many people visited me that day, it was great to see all their faces, except Adam. Poor poor Adam… He walked in with one of these shirts I bought him from Macy’s, that he claimed were “too preppy” for his taste, with khaki pants and light brown Sperrys that I picked out for him for his birthday last year. It looked like they’ve been slept in, but his face looked the opposite. His face showed dark marks indicating he hasn’t slept all night. I felt so heartless that day he came to see me…he stood next to me with the brightest smile you could ever imagine and said, “I love you and I am so glad you’re okay.”…but I didn’t remember him.

…I guess this is the part of the story where my words become weak, because having to live that moment is ruthless, but reliving it is worse. I just didn’t get it. How could you forget about the one person in your life that gave you everything and stood by you when your friends and family didn’t? I knew the medical reason, but I didn’t give a fuck about the medical reason! How could your heart beat in sync with another body one day and then the next day it goes off beat into a different rhythm? How could she have looked me in the eyes and said “I’m sorry, but who are you?” It didn’t take her family and friends long to dismiss me. They dragged me out of the room and I could hear her father say, “He is no one honey, just forget about him,” like she hasn’t already. I could literally feel my heart breaking in my chest as I watch the girl I fell in love with, for two extraordinary years, have no recollection of me at all…So what happens next? Does our story become discontinued? Do our memories vanish? Tell me what the hell should I do with all my love at this point?

I was able to leave the hospital within days. The doctors told me I would be able to return to my normal routine, but, for some reason, I couldn’t remember my normal routine. Friends told me my routine was grabbing a cup of coffee at the bookstore, while family told me that it was going to the bookstore to study. I knew they were wrong. My normal routine was Adam, but I couldn’t remember that for the life of me. I keep going back to the day he visited me in the hospital...I could see in his eyes and hear in his voice — the desperate anticipation. Deep down in my heart I knew I loved him. But love is the feeling you have inside, the wanting of the other person, and I didn’t want him, especially if my dad didn’t like him. My dad has always been a big muscular guy with a barely shaved beard and something about him screamed protection. Growing up, he was my role model and I valued his opinions he had on everything. I trusted his judgment, knowing he would protect me from anything and anyone. Because of that, the person I “fall in love with” should be just like my father. Adam didn’t seem to be that guy...