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I love you more than you care to understand. Ever am I plagued by the thought of you and what you need at all times of the day, more so than I think of my own needs and desires. You rescued me from myself and I could never be more grateful of that fact. I give all that I have, my time, my money, my energy, I sacrifice in your name and still, it's not enough. Still, you need more from me. You desire everything I am to be in your hands, your control.
Yes, it is true. I am yours, but I belong more to myself than ever before and this slow change has started a holy war in my very soul.
I need to provide for myself, find myself, live for myself but you need me. I feel as though I am stuck between more than a rock and a hard place. I feel as though I am the dividing line between two storming bodies of water. To my left a fiery crimson tide, ready and waiting to devour me for abandoning you. On my right, blistering white waters threatening to shatter my bones the force of all my un-chased desires. Me, with no option left to save face or soul.
Pinning me to my line is... what? Is it my love for you in not wanting to hurt you further, wanting more than anything that you would accept and support me as I come. Is it my need to be independent and survive my trials with own spine? Is it my mere indecision tying me down? I do not have the slightest, but no choice has my name upon its tongue.
I will die on this line if I don't choose, loving you or loving myself. If only I could see into the future where all of my answers lie. I would then know if losing you is a chance worth taking, if I'll lose you at all... If I will achieve what I have set out for, or fail so miserably I'll have no choice but to beg for you.
Everything I had was because of you, everything I became was inspired by you... But everything I will be and will accomplish is up to me now. I need to support myself with my morals, and values, and inspirations. To be an inspiration, a lover, a scholar, a mother, a trailblazer I must pursue the world without holding myself back from it. I need to let my intensity rain upon my life, like the first snowfall of winter.
So I choose the right; freezing waters hammer against my skin as it would a riverbed. I want to scream from a place deep inside, a place I've never dared venture but now that I am here it's too late to go back. I remind myself that this is what I chose, that nothing in this world is free. Everything must be earned. I need to earn my independence. For the love of myself, I must endure. I cannot turn back. I cannot falter. For the love of myself, I will stand strong and I will persevere.
Your pain is not something I ever wanted to incur, but for the love of us, I need to find myself. Please don't think that I love myself more than I love you or anyone else more than I love you, but it came to me today that our views are not always aligned, and I chose myself this time.
For the love of yourselves, listen to the voice inside your souls. It may lead to somewhere you've never been... but is that not the point? Love others deeply, but never replace the love you have for yourself with the love you give to another.