Love

Love is a tiny word that holds such a huge meaning. There's so much weight inside that little word, so many different ways of explaining it and expressing it, but who truly understands the meaning of it?

We are born seeking love and most of us obtain it through the comfort of our parents. We bring them such joy when we're born that this emotion we call love just overwhelms them and makes them the happiest they've ever been. Then there are people like me who are born seeking love and don't ever find it because we were born unlovable, at least according to the lack of love we received from our parents.

The purpose in life is to be happy and in order to be happy you need love but how can you ever find love if you've never experienced it? How could you possibly know what love is or what it feels like if your own parents couldn't manage to give you something that should come naturally the moment you're born? Most people who didn't have loving parents will go through life seeking it and will fall into horrible traps because they've been tricked into thinking they're loved. Not me, though, my parents weren't capable of loving me so how could I trust that a random stranger could ever manage to love me? It's just not possible so I shut myself off to an emotion I've lacked since birth.

Don't get me wrong, I've experienced enough life to know how to give love. I never wanted my children to feel the pain I felt so I made sure they know what love is and to know they'll have my love no matter what they do in life. They'll forever stay my babies in my eyes and I'll love them no matter what. The fear of them never feeling or experiencing love scared me enough to make sure they always feel wanted and appreciated and cared for. But as far as accepting love, I couldn't possibly know how to do such a thing.

I've had countless men tell me they love me but I never felt the same back. In my eyes love is supposed to be the same no matter what. If I love my child one way I need to feel the same about everyone I love and I've yet to feel that towards anyone besides my children and my mother. There shouldn't be different levels of love. There's just love, it's a simple emotion. It's a feeling and it's either there or it isn't. People have the wrong idea on what love is. They think you love your family one way and your friends another. They don't believe you should love your spouse more than your children, but love isn't measurable. It's either there or it's not.

Too many people think attachment is love but it's just that, attachment. You're just comfortable with the routine you've established with another person, whether it be a friend you see regularly or a romantic relationship you've built with another person. Sometimes you just get so comfortable with the routine you're in you mistake it as love because you fear the thought of having to create a new routine. But that's not the characteristics love should be based on. It should be the feeling you get when you're with that person. The thought of never seeing that person hurt or in pain and always wanting them to do good in life and wanting to be there for that person through the good and bad is what makes it love. You can love your friends and family the same way you love your children and your spouse. Love is love.

I've craved love my whole life and never felt it but I pray that one day God will send the right person along to prove to me that I am deserving of love but until then I'll continue to do my best to make sure the ones I care about never feel the same way as I do.