Love After a Long On-Off Relationship

I spent the majority of my teenage years thinking that I would be with the same person for the rest of my life. I felt that I knew everything there possibly was to know about them, and that our bond was unbreakable after many hormone-driven tantrums and break-ups. We still found our way back to each other, that to me at the time was special. I'm now 19 years old, and now realise that this was, to put it lightly, total crap. However this issue isn't just exclusive to teenagers, on again-off again relationships seem to be more common now than ever, but is the hassle really worth it? I don't think so. Is there a better option? Definitely.

When I was 12 years old, in my first year of secondary school, I started to develop a crush on one of my friends who I had known from my previous school. We were pretty close through doing the standard stuff you would expect from little innocent kids; going to the park, going for bike rides and of course, constantly chatting over Windows Live Messenger until the early hours of the morning (12:30am!) Looking back now, it was as innocent as you could imagine, but as puberty came and hit us both like a train, things started to change somewhat immediately.

After a couple weeks of hesitation, we finally had our first kiss, which actually wasn't as awkward as I thought it was going to be, everyone around school of course started spreading rumours like wildfire, it was officially out. We were official. I was his girlfriend. He was my boyfriend. Everyone of course was poking fun, though I just laughed it off, the thought of being someone's girlfriend made me feel grown up, mature, and kinda fuzzy inside. I thought of it like a right of passage and that felt empowering almost, this was what "big school" was all about. I was definitely warming to the idea as the school day went by. However as you would guess this wore off by the end of the week, and we had our first "lovers' tiff." Though probably over something completely stupid, it resulted in a breakup. On the bus ride home I felt heartbreak, which only turned out to be a small notion of sadness, but still, I was back on the single train. At least that's what I thought, by 7 o'clock that night, he had messaged me on MSN telling me how sorry he was and that he still wanted to be girlfriend and boyfriend. I was over the moon.

Long story short, this process continued for the majority of the next 2 years, still over little stupid things with the addition of rumour spreading from our peers. We were now older, teenagers. Him being a teenage boy, his thoughts and feelings go without saying. I, being a smaller girl, began to develop a figure that I suppose he found desirable. I felt confident and of course tried to flaunt it as much as I could in my school uniform. It must've worked, because we had arranged to meet up at the weekend—at my house. Though it went no further than a bit of heavy petting, it felt like we had taken the next step in our relationship, and the time of petty childish arguments were behind us. Obviously, I couldn't have been more wrong as it continued just like before.

By the time we were in our final year, I knew what to expect. Though we spent more time apart than together, I still felt like he still had a hold on me and I still felt "spoken for" in terms of relationship status. I still believed in the "childhood sweetheart" gimmick we had going on, I genuinely believed I loved him. Fast forward to now, I know it wasn't.

Him being my only real relationship, the only experience I could go off, I didn't think anybody could compare to my first love. That was until he got a new girlfriend. We were now over 18, adults. I suppose I was hurt deep down, but still a part of me felt relief. I knew there was now no hold over me, there wasn't anything holding me back. The good out-weighed the bad, and that felt great. It really was officially over, after 4 years of being unsure, and 2 further years of barely seeing each other but still an invisible hold through social media, it was all over and done with.

I was cool with him being in a relationship, and I was cool with being single. It's better not to force anything, allow whatever happens to happen on its own and after a long while of dwelling on this, it actually led me to something amazing. Someone amazing.

Now I know what being in an actual relationship feels like. Being with someone you love and talking to someone who understands you, who you are. Someone who respects you the same way you respect them. A relationship with equal effort from both parties, equal want for each other, equal love for each other. I believe this is vital for a relationship to work, something you won't find in a vicious circle of need for hurting each other.

Some might say I'm too young, that this is a pubescent crap-storm of premature emotions. You, yourself know if your own relationship has the potential to work out in the end, whether it can be forever and ever if you so want it to be. Me, myself knew that this would never happen with the way things were. Disputes happen, but every single week? When you don't know where you are, the relationship will never progress, it will only retract and cower from what you actually want. The love can be great, and sharing with someone so familiar is even better, but do you really want to live in that constant thought of when the next "breakup" will be. You deserve better. Realising that has given me the best shot at an actual relationship. One with happiness and stability. That's extremely important. I can now say that I am happy.