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Love After Assault

How to Find Yourself After Being Assaulted

By Susan JoycePublished 5 years ago 3 min read
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Love After Assault

I am a victim of assault. Now there’s a phrase I thought I’d never use. But there you go. I am a victim of assault. I didn’t ask for it; no one ever does really, do they? It wasn’t a stranger either. It was my long-term boyfriend. The love of my love. The “one.” Except that was a lie, because no one who hurts someone the way he did could ever truly love you.

So how do you move on from that? That’s what I want to talk about today. You see, when you find yourself in a situation like that, everything revolves around the “moment” from there on. The “attack.” The “assault.” From the moment your identity changes from an individual to a victim. You become a statistic and yet another number in the system. So that’s the first step, finding yourself again. Which of course is not easy.

Becoming an Individual

If like me, you were with someone for a long time, it is suddenly incredibly daunting becoming an individual again. Not through choice, but having it thrust upon you. “Our” house became “my” house. “Our” friends however, became “his” friends. It was hugely confusing and scary, but finding my feet again certainly helped. The best thing to do is find an interest which is uniquely yours. I started learning Hungarian, just to have something that was mine. It wasn’t something we had done as a couple, and I could focus on it without having too many flashbacks. For ages, there were so many things which reminded me of our time together, and every time I thought of them, it hurt. Any song he liked it felt like being headbutted all over again. I could feel the red-hot pain searing into my skull, feel the damp coldness of the pavement meeting my cheek as I fell. Each line and lyric felt like a fresh blow. I couldn’t do it, so I became disentangled from my previous life.

Go outside and do something.

Get out and about. It is far too easy to lock yourself away and hide from the world. But you are not simply a label. Just because someone hurt you, doesn’t mean the world does not deserve to see you again. Stand in the rain, feel the warmth of the day on your skin. The reason people hurt and assault is because they want power. They are insecure in themselves and they enjoy exerting that control on others. They win if you let them. You have to learn to laugh and be with other people.

If you laugh, you win.

Laughter is a great tool. Use it well. I may have gotten some weird looks, but after I was assaulted, I joked about it. I made fun of my ex, belittling his actions towards me as nothing more than a stupid incident. It helps to laugh, because it distances yourself from the pain. Laughter is the biggest sign of strength you have; use it well.

Ask for help. Often.

No one should carry the world on their shoulders. Admit when you’re struggling, because you are. No one goes through assault and doesn’t struggle. Ask for help with counselling, with eating, with sleeping, with anything. If you need time off work, ask. Tell your boss or teacher what happened, and I guarantee they’ll be much more supportive of you than if you bury your head in the sand. If debts start creeping up, tell someone. Don’t let things get on top of you more than they should. There are so many confidential services you can use; use them. You’re far stronger than you could ever imagine, don’t ever forget it.

And finally, remember this. If you are going through this pain, you have all my sympathy in the world. But don’t let it define you. You can, and will, love again.

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About the Creator

Susan Joyce

I travel, teach German and sell tech. Oh, and I draw stuff too!

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