Love and Loss

People say love is beautiful, and it transcends any emotion. They say it’s in everything, and it’s what the world needs most, but I’m here, young and somehow experienced, to tell you that it’s a lot more than just compliments, kisses, and restaurants. It’s a lot more than attraction, lust, sex, any of what you know it to be.

I’m 18, and although most may say I have no idea what it is to love, I do. I was alone for most of my life, sheltered and overprotected by my parents, so of course they never allowed any sort of relationship into my life, but, when I was 17, I couldn’t help myself.

My algebra teacher quit his job, so I was transferred into the class besides it, and with no coincidence, there he was. He was tall, dark, and had the most beautifully haunting smile and laugh you’d ever stumble upon. His humor was dark, shoulders broad, and I was in awe of every thing that was him. Fast forward, and we’ve now been together for over a year. We have our arguments, but after all this time, I can say for certain that I fell in love. We’re both seniors in high school, about to graduate and walk the stage together, but, what people don't say, is love is consuming.

It is very beautiful, it’s a dream you never want to wake up from, but you lose half of yourself in the process. When you fall for someone, I mean, when you really fall for someone, you lose your mind. You lose yourself in them. You go from being perfectly happy on your own, completely whole, to constantly craving their love and affection. You become one half of a whole.

You suddenly become an open book. They broke through all the many walls and guards you built so tall, so now, you could cry at the snap of a finger because that’s how vulnerable you've become. Your life’s purpose is to make the other person happy, whether making them happy would be to hurt you or not. You think about them every second to a point where to everyone else it would be unhealthy, but it’s a norm for you. You become nothing but a toy for them, and for some reason, you’re fine with it. You become blind to all their wrong-doings and every bad thing they could say or do to you.

Every single thing the person does affects you in some way, and you become responsible for each other’s actions. When it hits, you’ll find yourself googling what love is, what its symptoms are, how you know you’re in love. It’s a bond that can only be felt through energy. It’s something you never expect coming. It’s overwhelming, life-altering, and something you hate to love to be in. It’s a movie that pulls you in every direction. Its plot is amazing, and you begin to understand life a little better. A stranger suddenly becomes family, and you become the most pitiful you, you’ve ever been.

Coming down from that high is one thing no one ever tells you about. It's a drug, as I'm sure you've heard many times before, except, I'm now nineteen, and I can say for sure that they were right. It certainly is a drug, and I've been fighting so hard to stay sober for months now. I keep relapsing, over and over again. This drug has bled so deep into my brain and I can't fight it. I keep going back to him to go out to eat, to watch a movie... it's been four months since we ended and my heart can't bare the thought of severing our connection. It's like attempting to separate conjoined twins, knowing that separation might be fatal. So I cling onto what I know, refusing to explore the what ifs.

It's a constant circle, a repeating chain of events. I mourn, I come to my senses, he contacts me, we meet up and have an amazing day, then I come home and mourn again. Besides my situation, no one ever told me how much of a hold love has on the human psyche. Those moments when the two of you are together that you're so overwhelmed by the connection, by the spiritual closeness, that it brings tears to your eyes. The gratitude that comes with just the opportunity to experience that closeness that it clouds your mind like poison, and the effects of it hit you when reality comes knocking, that you might never again be able to feel that unison with that same soul again.

Heartbreak really is a sickness that goes without diagnosis. Shot in the chest by circumstance, bleeding out that wound through your eyes. The pain that can only be compared to a true physical ailment. It's a pain I wouldn't wish on anyone. To have your heart so full of love as a child, to have so much innocence in you used up in one fell swoop. To have loved with your entire heart and deem the wrong person worthy enough for it all. Know what you're getting yourself into. Know that love can be the most amazing blessing of your life, but also that it can be the biggest lesson.

Never get so attached to your partner that you lose that sense of wholeness within you. That is what will ruin you if push comes a shove. Maintain that independence and never lose it to them or anyone. Love with your whole heart, but never lose yourself within that. Never fall into a "forever" mindset, either. Love is remarkable, but that makes the falling out of it just as remarkably hard. Be prepared, and stay sane.