Love, Empaths, and Breaking Obsessive Tendencies

I was reading a post by fellow Vocal writer Naomi Robinson who wrote a brilliant advice piece titled "The Empathic Mind." She is also a fellow Empath, like myself, and I find it fascinating that discovering the layers of who I am in relationship to others really has the ability to make me feel less of an outsider in this life, and more of belonging to a collective community of distant peers, wrestling to find themselves and be content in these identities. I discovered that I was an Empath a few weeks ago after a counseling appointment. It just dawned on me, and every instance from when I was a child until now, struck me, and the moment of realization just clicked. For me, this has to do with my relationship with other women. I tend to be the "side-kick," the one that will stick with the one that claims me as their friend until it's over. Even when I was a child, I remember the pull of wanting to prove my devotion, in patterns, consistent, unwavering, until I was told to stop, and then the earth-shattering feeling of rejection struck. It's sort of like this dumbfounding feeling where you are confused about what you did wrong. When I create something from my heart, an "invention," as I used to call it, this was the equivalent of showing love to me. I would create stories, flip books, paper jewelry, and create my own (during class...), then I would give them to friends and classmates, and to objects of my affection, usually other girls. Looking back, I realize that I was probably more of a nuisance, interjecting until acceptance from the other, and finding joy in making her feel good, and making her get closer and closer to me. This is not a relationship, this is emotional force.

I know that I have layers of myself to unravel. I have obsessive tendencies, addictive tendencies, over thinking, negative self-deprecating verbal spirit killers that I use on myself when I don't succeed. And discovering that I am an Empath really opens my eyes to the source of a lot of my pain. My process now is starting to be able to recognize, control, and navigate these feelings early, to protect myself and allow for the minimization of self-harm by others. This should make me level the playing field in the relationships that I choose to have. To be even more personal, I recognize that in relationships I tend to like to give away control, I give all of myself, losing sleep, focus, letting go of my obligations, really self-destructive patterns to give 150 percent of my energy to the object of my attraction. This automatically creates an unbalanced playing field in that the other person feels like they don't know how to give, or feeling a sense of guilt because they cannot give as much as you, or do not want to. For me, being able to find that restraint, and that sweet spot, and stay there in regards to power in relationships should be my saving grace. I used to feel very resentful of others in romantic relationships. "How is it so easy to find and keep love?" " Why won't someone choose me?" But, when now, as an Empath, I realize that I live in a very idealized head space, the object of my attraction is able to get into my mind and occupy it almost indefinitely if I don't consider their flaws. It takes two people to create that connection, that spark, that indescribable, beautiful feeling of love between two souls. If you want it too badly, you will surely lose it because that puts too much pressure on the other. That balance between keeping your cool, the persistence of your heart for the other, the genuine time to pray and keep the other supported, the everyday obligation to the other's condition, no matter how negative, painful, or traumatic. It's tough, but that's true love, and it's not easy.

The advice that I've been given is to be happy, be free, choose me. When you are an Empath, these concepts are extremely challenging. To be free of our rigidity, our order, our patterns create this sense of loss in ourselves. To "choose me" creates this sense of guilt within ourselves because we consider others feelings more than our own. Empaths do need to take care of themselves. Like Naomi says, "use techniques, use crystals, use body posture to ease the intake of energies." Putting your health, your happiness, your healing first is not selfish. And choosing yourself is the key to cracking open a life that you can use to help others (If you so should choose). Instead of putting pressure on others to love you, put pressure on yourself to break negative patterns, smile more, hug more, read more, discover what you don't know, and enjoy your time. I am working on these as I type! I read a quote by the incomparable Ray Charles in a book that I'm reading called Legendary African-American Elders Speak A Wealth of Wisdom edited by Camille O. Cosby & Renée Poussaint. Charles says " And above all, practice. I know that's a dirty word, but every great musician I know practices. Kids have so many diversions nowadays: they go to ball games; they've got this computer, that new electronic toy they sit at all day long. I'm not saying not to do these things, but allocate at least one hour a day to do nothing but practice for yourself." Put pressure on yourself to love yourself, just a little more.

I would just like say to every couple that reads this: Thank you for keeping love real. Fantasy draws us like Eve's apple that we are not supposed to eat, but we eat it anyway while we think no one's watching, and it excites us, it drives our thirst to do it repetitively. But love is painful, it's messy, it's scary, it's tender, it's complex, it's gut-wrenching, it's a game, it's a balancing act constantly needing tinkering and shifting, but for two people to commit to keeping each other's hearts nestled into each other, this is absolutely nothing to resent. This is why we still exist of the human race, people choosing each other, and willing to go across communities, races, oceans, and miles, I don't think their could be a more beautiful concept as this. If you would like any information about INFJ's or Empaths, this is the link to my discovery, read up, and remember that you belong to Mahatma Gandhi, Oprah Winfrey, Nelson Mandela, greats leaders like yourself. Treat yourselves gently. And if no one told you today, I love you.

Truity Personality