Love Isn't Dead

Did love die in this year? It sure feels like it.

I'm not just talking about the celebrity splits, let's be honest, we saw a lot of those coming. I'm talking about my loved ones. For the entirety of 2018, I've seen more of my friends go through break-ups and heartache than ever before. Couples I genuinely thought would go the distance have called it quits, and more often than not, one partner is completely blindsided in the process.

Naturally, being the anxiety-ridden, paranoid person that I am, I started to worry about my own relationship with each new separation. I couldn't help it - seemingly happy couples were suddenly split with little explanation. Were we next? Was my partner feeling the need to end us too?

The logical part of my brain knew that these breakups had nothing to do with us, but as usual, the voices in my head got the better of me. But, that paranoia forced my partner and me to have some very real conversations.

What hit me hardest was when my two best friends were both dumped within the span of a month. I started to genuinely feel their pain, and take it on as my own. I wept at the thought of, "What if that had been me?" It was—is—an unbearable thought. I'm with the man I know I'm goingto marry, but my friends thought they were with that man too. I knew they were going through inexplicable pain...because God knows, I would be too.

I expressed all of this to my partner, I needed to get it out. He assured me each time, with the utmost of patience, that we weren't going anywhere. I knew he was right, but the reassurance reinstilled my confidence in us.

It got me wondering, how do we remain so solid in our relationship when those around us seem to be crumbling? Are we doing something differently? Maybe not, but I know the reason we've made it this far is by following a few simple, but deeply important rules...

The first is communication. Yes this seems pretty obvious, and I'm sure every book on relationships has this listed as #1, but it's easier to let go of than you may think. I've never had issues communicating my feelings—I wear them on my sleeve so I can't exactly hide them. My partner, however, keeps everything in. He'll say everything's fine until it all comes out in an explosive fight. So I've had to learn his tells when something's wrong. And when I realize he's struggling, I don't accept "everything's fine" as an answer. Slowly, he opens up, and we talk about it. We have a deal that no matter how upsetting or uncomfortable the topic may be, we tell each other. And we never, ever go to bed angry. With all of this, we've managed to get through even the hardest of times together.

We also practice a whole lot of patience. My boyfriend and I are very much in love, but that doesn't mean we love everything about each other. He's messy when I'm clean. He's calm and collected when I'm panicked and paranoid. I can be jealous and emotional, and he can be stubborn and unapologetic. The fact that we know these things about each other, helps us work through things. And instead of trying to "fix" the things we don't like about each other, we understand them and deal with them in positive ways. We adjust how we react to each other's negative traits so instead of changing each other, we change ourselves and our attitudes.

It's also crucial to make time for each other. Once you start living with your partner, spending time together can become less of a priority. You spend every day in the same home, but are you really having quality time? He can play video games and you can read a book, and before you know it you forget that even though you're in the same room, you're completely separate. Between work, raising a child, and various other commitments, it's easy for us to put our relationship last, so we make an effort to make it a priority. We plan date nights or watch a movie together...even cleaning together or cuddling in silence brings us together during our hectic lives. It reminds us why we're in this in the first place.

Finally, you must get on the same page. I've seen it time and time again, people get into a relationship with someone and they don't talk about the big issues with...the deal breakers...the future. Knowing my partner has similar values and wants for the future as me is huge. Does he want to get married? Does he want more kids? Is he planning to move across the country? There are a million questions that should have answers before your relationship moves to something more serious, such as marriage. Having frank conversations about our lives helps us know where we stand with each other and allows us to move forward with no hesitations.

I know that the future might not go the way I plan it, because, in the end, it's up to us to make sure we get there together. We could end up bitter exes like so many before us, but just maybe we'll beat the odds. Relationships are rarely easy, but for the right one, it's always worth it.