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I’m starting to really wonder if I am capable of being loved, or thought of as someone who is more than someone to take advantage of. My faith in people, or should I say, people who say they love me is beyond being tested. I am not really sure how the hell I feel about anyone anymore. Defeated is the correct word for my feelings and my spirit at this point.
This better be a major turning point in my life! My relationships with everyone in my life are being tested. Is anyone who they really say they are? This may sound totally off the wall crazy, but I feel as though I am really being targeted by the Universe as some sort of test dummy for what my life would be like if everyone who said they loved me was really lying. It’s either that, or I am the most naïve, totally oblivious forty something-year-old female in the world.
Let’s start with the gift that just keeps on giving:
My Sister and My Baby Daddy
Are you ready for this? Long story short, my sister and my boyfriend at the time had a “secret” fling right under my nose about 16 years ago, and my nephew could really be my kid’s brother. Fast forward to now, the “secret” fling continues, and I know for sure, because I read text messages between the two of them that confirm it. Problem is that I can’t tell him how I know for sure, because that would involve me admitting to going through his phone while he was sleeping. Yeah, that’s not gonna go over so well. I would feel comfortable saying that my sister (I am only calling her my sister for the purpose of this post, so that you know whom I am referring to, I have since decided that I will no longer refer to her as my sister) moving to the same town as me, was the beginning of the end for my relationship.
I have recently become fixated on the fact that all things happen for a reason. People come in and out of our lives for a specific reason, even though most of us don’t realize what that reason is at the time, eventually we fully understand why things played out the way they did. The wonderful thing about this whole process of divine timing is that things usually work out perfectly. The key is to trust in this huge invisible force that has our best interest at heart. This force that wants us to have everything that our heart's desire is always working for our greater good and happiness.
Speaking of happiness, let’s move on:
This is hard for me to even write about, but I’m hoping that this will aid in my healing and acceptance of the situation for what it is. I am in Love, that’s right! I am. My being in love is the whole reason for this sometimes whiny-sounding rant. I am in love with a man who does not know what real love is. I so overestimated who he is, and to tell you the truth I am extremely embarrassed and ashamed of myself for letting my guard down enough to let this person as close to my heart as I did. My relationship with him has left me bitter, unsure of who I am, and broken. I feel whipped and drained of emotion. As I said earlier, I am sold on the fact that every person comes into your life for a specific reason. Although I may feel that this was one relationship that I wish never happened, I feel at the same time grateful for the lessons I’ve learned on this journey. The part that hurts the most is feeling as though we had a connection, and, in the end, learning the hard way that the connection felt was only my mind creating the relationship that I felt I needed in my life at the time.
I want to believe in love. I am in love with the idea of love, but I’m left to wonder if the love that I’m longing for will ever exist for me. The kind of love that is pure and unconditional, but most of all the kind of love that belongs to me and only me.