Love Myself

When your older sister who has been with her seemingly perfect husband for 16 years asks what you want for your 30th birthday and then suggests maybe a boyfriend...ah, jokes. But the thing about my family, and please remember that I love them dearly, is none of them have ever been single for any length of time. Ever. When I say I prefer to be single or when I say I am totally fine on my own, doing my own thing and answering to no one, they all nod sympathetically while I can only imagine they’re thinking to themselves how lonely I must be. That’s the look I always get. I am the one who jokes that my Christmas gift to my mom will be getting myself a boyfriend. It would make her so happy, and maybe one day it will make me happy, but so far, this has not been the case.

I love men. I do. They smell great, they look amazing and I know that I couldn’t live without them indefinitely. I also know that they make me crazy. Not only because I never know what they’re thinking, but because I try to figure it out. Pains of an over-thinker/every woman alive. They also make me doubt myself and there is nothing more detrimental or crippling than self-doubt. When I am single, which has been often in my 16 years of dating, I miss intimacy. I miss holding hands and having some sexy guy running his fingers through my hair and lying to me about how great I look without makeup on. I miss all of the physical contact and the “falling in love” stuff. What I don’t miss is the anxiety, the frustration, and, at times, the anguish that comes from trying to love someone, especially when you haven’t yet figured out how to truly love yourself.

So, I am single, and I want to be. Yes, I daydream about the gorgeous man with the killer abs on the white horse who will one day scoop me up, erase all my doubts and love me forever, I won’t go far enough as to deny that. However, I have come to realize that after the new and shiny wears off, I am not ready. I’m not ready to be selfless to the degree I need to be in order to be in a healthy, lasting relationship. And I don’t love and trust myself enough yet, to walk into a relationship as my kick ass, confident, man-eating single self who gives no fucks and knows who she is, and not instantly lose all of that at the first sign of maybe not happily ever after. That takes strength and certainty, and I am just not quite there yet. But I have been practicing for a long time, and you know what they say.