Love When You Least Expect It

They say when you stop looking love seems to find its way towards you. This is a statement I have struggled with for as long as I've been interested in romance. From the early stages of adolescence I romanticized love to the extent where I felt I could love like no one else in the world. Unfortunately I never had the chance to experience anything so glorious until later on in life. I used to be extremely shy and still happen to be. I always felt strange in my own skin and whenever I was able to become romantically linked with someone they just never felt quite right. I felt as if I had to walk on eggshells to stop myself from cracking the relationship. From being abused to feeling strange, it all felt so wrong. After a while the relationships seemed to start proving to me that maybe I wasn't meant for love. Maybe I was meant to die alone. This in itself definitely served a purpose. In convincing myself that I was destined to die suffering and alone I pushed myself into music to an extreme.

It was during this time of extreme isolation that I found another who pulled me out from the depths. After years of hardening my heart I was finally at the most extreme sense of apathy in regards to love. My disdain for all relationships took hold and I was bitter to an unrelenting degree. Though my music was doing wonders my mental state was becoming increasingly erratic. It was in the lowest, darkest point that I found her. Luckily enough we worked together and little did I know she had been there all along. It all started innocently enough. We had a training class together. From the start I noticed her effervescent nature. It seemed a bit much for me but I loved watching her laugh and have fun. Being quite numb however, I did nothing to make any moves on anyone whatsoever. Slowly through the week we were introduced to each other through another mutual teammate. Our mutual friend ended up being a Cupid incarnate and eventually set us up for a date. I inevitably chickened out on said date. I convinced myself I might end up hating everything about it and decided it would be much better if I slept away my worries. Ultimately this is something I regretted and felt really bad about. I had to make it up to her so I decided to invite her to one of my band's shows. I practiced really hard and all the while we would stay after work everyday to walk in the park and talk about our lives. She was so kind and caring. I couldn't help myself so I started tearing down my walls slowly but surely. Each day chipping away at an insecurity. Each day becoming more trusting. As the days progressed closer to our show we became closer and closer as well. Finally the day of the show came and I played all right. I felt like I impressed her a little bit. Ever since then she's been my biggest fan and it's made my heart melt all the more.

Fast forward to a year on. So far this experience has taught me a tremendous deal about myself. Ever since our first days together I never took one for granted and don't intend to at any point in the future. It turns out the years of pain and isolation have given me a sense of feeling that each day together could be our last and that I should savor it. I liken it to the experience a cancer patient has when the doctor says they only have a week to live but they end up going well past that date. I feel like I'm living on borrowed time in the best sense of the phrase. One of the best things I've learned about is communication. While in the past I wasn't able to express myself nor feel myself, now I have another person who has a tremendous amount of patience and caring. I found myself at the beginning holding back and bottling everything in and as we had moments of conflict this approach only helped fuel the fire. Now however we take the time to communicate our stances in a better fashion actually stating reasons and our logic for behaving the ways we do. Of course it's not always perfect but it's definitely a step towards growing together. Another thing that has helped me to build a better relationship is having to live with someone other than my immediate family. To understand that not everyone is the same and we have our own environments we feel comfortable in. One has to be willing to sacrifice and compromise so that mutual understandings can be made. These changes were not something that happened because they were forced either. When people start to grow and alter their behavior they have to be willing to make those changes. You have to be perceptive and malleable in order to adapt to a lifestyle with a companion. Flexibility and enjoying who you love seem to me to be the makings of a great relationship. It definitely takes work and discipline as many other things do but the experience itself is worth it. If you ever feel lost in the world of romantic love see if you can lose yourself in yourself. If you're lucky enough to get distracted you just might end up finding some love when you least expect it.