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Love Yourself First

Inside the Mind of a Confused Partner

Where to begin...I am an average female, mid-twenties. I suppose I need an outlet to let my brain defuse, as it's working in overdrive most of the time. I have been in a relationship with my partner for four years and its not all rainbows and sunshine. If you take a peek at our social media pages, we would likely appear to be one of those couples who makes you gag. Although I can admit, we are happy together, there is a dark side to our relationship. Like many couples, we argue. We used to solve all disagreements with 'rock-paper-scissors'...After a few years, this method has proven less than effective. I can admit, I like when I get my way. I believe most people feel the same (whether you care to admit it or not). However, I spent a lengthy period of time being sour and cold, in order to get my way. Due to this harsh, argumentative nature, I find myself in a dark place. Without disclosing intimate details, I will say my partner has some interesting kinks. I was quite resistant for a long time. I took offense to requests and kept my guard up. Attacking him verbally for merely opening up about his inner most desires. Silly me...I finally have come to a point where I can see things a little more clearly. Why did I dismiss him so quickly? And even worse, why did I intentionally hurt him in the process?

I could blame my anxiety or consider his kinks too much...but what good would that do? In all honesty, I see now that my problem was with myself. I have always gotten into relationships with asshole guys who took control and were handsy. Finally finding someone who is more complex, well, it honestly floored me. I took offense to a lot of things unnecessarily. I would dress up in lingerie and expect my partner to jump on me...meanwhile, he is just exhausted from work and could honestly care less by the end of the night. Selfish me takes it personally. And yet begins another WAR. I am one to push until I get a response. 

From many therapy sessions, I now understand this is a pattern I developed by watching my parents argue. I am not one to blame a rough childhood for my current problems. Frankly, I feel like we choose the life we live and the decisions we make. Yet having this mindset never helped me drop the control issues. I am hurting...YOU MUST HURT TOO. So ridiculous thinking of it like that. But simply put, that's what it boils down to. I felt vulnerable and self-conscious, so my fight or flight response kicks into gear. 

Time to take a step back. Some people count to ten or think happy thoughts...I just take a moment to think, how is what I am about to say going to affect my partner? Something I never considered. I am hurting him. I am making him close up and go back into his shell. We all need acceptance and I am treating him the exact way I feel...rejected. It's hard to correct the error of your ways. After years of being a straight up bitch, I am working on being more 'chill' (for lack of better word). I don't know whether or not this will be the guy I marry or settle down with seriously. It's hard to repair damaged relationships. However, I am making an effort to try...try accepting what is, and taking responsibility for my own actions and reactions. 

Learning to love myself has been a struggle. How do we expect relationships to work when we are looking for someone to fill in our gaps? I have been self-conscious since, well, forever. That's my issue. No one else is responsible for making me feel better about myself. I have relied on my partners for reassurance in every relationship I have ever been in. Hmm... maybe it's time to just work on myself and see what good comes of it. Instead of hating life, why not focus on what I have and work on who I am as a person? I no longer want to hurt others because of my own insecurities. No way in hell I am going to be responsible for bringing anyone else down, including myself. Ain't nobody got time for that! 

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