Loving & Hurting

We make excuses and move the lines that have been crossed time after time to condone the toxicity of our beloved. "They don't understand." "I know what I'm doing." "We are just going through a phase." "I love him/her." The things we say to convince ourselves that they are not hurting us and that things will change.

The Love

We grew up together. I've known him since I was in middle school. He was my best friend. I never had a guy best friend before. When we were friends I never thought I had feelings for him until he dated a close friend of ours. My mother would notice my mood swings and mini arguments we would have that would come out of nowhere. I didn't even realize that him dating my friend really bothered me until she asked. On the other hand, I didn't tell him how I felt. I figured that he didn't have any feelings for me anyways, so I learned to let it go. Years passed, and we were high schoolers. We both got out of our relationships and it was a new season in both of our lives. Until one day, he told me how he really felt about me. I was shocked because I just didn't think he would actually like me back. So we decided to be together and it was the most amazing decision that I made at that time. We were inseparable and he knew everything about me. I could be as crazy as I wanted to be, say anything that was on my mind and he wouldn't judge me. He loved me regardless. It was something that I never experienced before. It was so refreshing and addicting. I was addicted to him and the love that we had for each other. I felt like I could tell him anything and he would help me with any problems that I had. I wanted to marry him. I saw a future with him. I saw us with our children. I saw us in New York together. I didn't want this joy I was experiencing with him to end.

My Love

When we were friends, I have always noticed the demons he would battle with. The way he would behave in class. He would tell me his darkest thoughts, fears, nightmares, and pains that he would endeavor. He had very pent up anger that resided in him and he would express it in odd situations that wouldn't call for an outburst. There were times where he talked about ending his life and how no one would care in the first place. The drawings he would show me displayed not only violence but his inner monster that tortured him profusely. I understood the monster because I've got one of my own that darkens the world around me. The anger within him would cause him to throw chairs across the room, make holes in the wall, fight others, use poor word choices to offend others, and yell astoundingly to defend his point for being right. I would hear him on the phone, the rage in his voice explaining why the world was against him today. There was a lot that he had to say. Just throwing that out there. As a friend, I would always listen to him and confide in him. I would tell him how he would overcome this too as well. The one thing that I overlooked when I got into a relationship with this man is that he could possibly behave this way with you as well. I always thought that with me, he would always be different because it been that way since we've known each other. I lied to myself so I could feel love no matter what the cost was because I lacked it within myself.

The Aftermath

Months after we were together, his mother was sent to prison. The boyfriend I knew turned into the person I completely forgot about, the person I grew up with. This side that he had, took over him wholeheartedly. I had no idea how to help this person. I thought that he would never revert back to this person, at least not with me. The anger he had within him had transferred onto myself. He would let it out on me to release the pain he was going through. He started to smoke weed and drink like never before. He would yell and scream at me like crazy. The arguments that we would have got so hostile and aggressive. We would argue almost every day. I remember when we were at work together and outside of the building we argued and I tried to leave to go to the bathroom. He grabbed me and wouldn't let me leave his sight. He had me against the wall and I remember just wanting to escape. Escape him. Escape the situation. Escape this life I was living. We would break up off and on throughout the year. There were times where he tried to commit suicide after we broke up. I would feel so guilty and scared for his life that I would make it up to him by getting back with him. We went to the same school so he would try to find me after class to talk it out or to argue his way out of a disagreement. He would get jealous of me performing in school or talking to guys in general. I would be afraid to talk to my guy friends because I never knew if he was watching or not. I felt so lost and confused about my heart. I loved him but he was hurting me. I was changing into a person neither my friends nor I liked. I was becoming more depressive, antsy, moody, and emotional. I remember when my mother and I went out to eat at my favorite restaurant and I just cried at the table in front of everyone. My mother was very concerned and told me that you need to start questioning if you love yourself enough. I was allowing this person to take over my happiness and my sanity just so I could be "in love with someone." What we had was turning into toxic love. We were toxic for each other. I would break his heart every time I broke up with him and he would hurt me while I was still with him. It was a never-ending cycle that would we go through again and again. Until I decided that I am worth more. I love myself more than this. I broke up with him once and for all, never looking back. It took me a long time to get there because I would keep making excuses. Saying things like, "He's going through a lot. He will change." When I knew that this person was the same as he always been. It was just my turn for him to act this way with me. I was not exempt.

We get so caught up with the idea of love that we forget ourselves and ignored the signs of toxic-ness in the process.