Loving & Regretting from Afar

When you love someone, set them free, right? But what if you never confessed that love? What if you were scared and did everything you could to push away that love, and even succeeded? What if you still love that person and regret all the mistakes you've made, but still can't express your feelings because fear of rejection and pain? All these what ifs are things I am feeling and doing.

There was this guy, who years ago would message me on social media, but he just gave me douchebag/fuckboy vibes and I was always very short with him. I didn't give him a chance, which proved to be a mistake. Now, years later, I officially met him through another friend, who I secretly was crushing on, but knew it couldn't go anywhere. So me and this other guy, we clicked well. I went home and he messaged me on Facebook, asking what I was doing for the rest of the night. We ended up hanging out.

We talked a lot, about nothing to everything. Small little details of our life to important things. The good, the bad, the ugly. We connected. We later watched TV in my room and one thing lead to another. He asked me if I wanted to makeout, and I knew that would lead to more. He was the first guy I have ever been able to be honest with and say "I'm not sure", and he handled it so well, saying we were both adults and I was allowed to say no. He was the only guy that never tried to convince me and I valued that he valued me as a human being. We talked it out and I decided I was comfortable enough, but that I may change my mind. I also said I wasn't just looking for a hook up, but perhaps casual dating as well. He seemed like he was in a similar place. So we did the deed, and he asked if I wanted him to leave and I told him he could stay and he did. Most guys I've been with would find the door as quick as possible after sex. He was different. And I told him he still had to respect me and not think I'm the kind of girl that just does that so quickly and he continued to show me respect.

The next morning, I walked him out and he kissed my forehead, telling me to have a good day. He later on texted me, checking in on how I was doing, asking if we could hangout again soon. Soon happened quick. We began to hangout every day for a couple weeks. And it was more than just sex, we had an emotional connection. He was everything I was looking for in a man and that terrified me. I didn't want to feel the things I was feeling, the things I felt, the things I still feel, so I told him "I don't want you to get attached to me." But I was already clinging onto him. He brushed it off, but I later on learned he felt rejected. There were some roadblocks keeping us from being together, our own fears, jealousy, walls, and dishonesty with each other. Not to mention some girl from his past was coming back. So I continued to try and sleep with the friend I was crushing on, and we hid it. Of course, things got found out the day this guy totaled his car. So he was having a bad day, and then found out his best friend and the girl he liked were sneaking around behind his back, and I regret it. Originally, I told him I was involved with someone else, I just didn't say who. So when he found out, he slut shamed me and I stuck up for myself. I didn't even actually sleep with his friend. Things weren't right with us on that level of intimacy. But between me and this other guy, we had it all, and I ruined it. Every day, I think about how much I feel for him and how much I messed it up.

We're friends now, but nothing is the same. He forgives me and I forgive him, as we both had our faults, but I wish I could have another chance. Still, I cannot be honest about my feelings, as that blast from the past did come back around. He's super into her now, she's not so into him, and I am, as he's not into me anymore. It's just the way we clicked, and I swear he's the one. But he also might have to be the one that got away, if he's happy moving forward. So I will love and regret from afar until I maybe, hopefully move on and move forward myself.