Loving the Wrong Man

I made a mistake... well that's an understatement. Love has never come easily for me, I searched in the wrong places and found myself in unhealthy relationships time and time again. I thought this time was different, I FELT it. I was only fooling myself as always. You ever meet someone so perfect? Everything you've ever wanted? The way they look, their personality, it's like someone took your dream man and made him real. That was you, you could cripple me with a single look. And oh my God your laugh? I could be having the worst day and your laugh would throw me over the moon. It's too much, he can't be real, why me? Why did he choose me at that party and why did he choose me time and time again? Why did the chemistry fade so fast? Was it something I did? Something I said? Was there another woman? How could I just become another booty call to you? Why was I no longer enough? How could those early morning cuddles, and the breakfast in beds turn into this? Nights spent on opposite sides of the bed, mornings hurrying out of the house with not even a hug goodbye. I have to let you go I have to move on, I can't keep doing this to myself, I'm just getting hurt.

Cue the other man. You tell yourself you're really not that interested, you just need to get your mind off of him. He seems nice enough, go out have some drinks see where the night goes? Oh God he asked if this is not going to be a one time thing what do I say? No it's not a one time thing, we can keep doing this. And so we did. It was nice, you were distracting but my heart wasn't in it, so why was yours? Why did you fall so quick? Why did you treat me like a princess when I treated you like trash? How could I deserve this? I hurt you time and time again running back to him every time he called; how could you love someone like me? Months passed and even though I had love for you my love for him never went away, I was constantly burdened by this feeling.

I texted him, tried to make plans with him, and he pushed me away. WHY COULD I NOT GET YOU OUT OF MY HEAD! How could this great guy in front of me not be enough? What was wrong with me? Even though I was using you, something in me needed you. You became my best friend we did everything together, my life became your life and vice versa, but I still wasn't in love with you. That night where you caught him in my bed, the countless nights you caught me texting him. How could you forgive me for it all? I was broken and I didn't want or need you to fix me, but your unwavering loyalty glued me back together.

I'm so grateful for the man I am with today he stuck by me during one of the lowest points in my life and he continues to stick by me through thick and thin. How was I able to let go of this "perfect" man? I realized he was a fantasy. He loved my body, not me; he was selfish and used my insecurities to make me think he would love me. I am loved and cherished and have a wonderful life. Though the experience was painful, I can only grow from what you did to me, from what I did to myself. I will grow with my man and he will grow alongside me and you will be nothing but a bad memory.