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As the type of person who chooses their friends very carefully, it’s hard when the person you are seeing is the exact opposite. I’m not sure if it’s this way with all men, but from my experience, drama and bumps in the road of friendship don’t have the same effect on men as it does on women. Now obviously men don’t have as much drama as women. However, if there is a huge problem in a man's friendship, they seem to always forgive and forget.
Let me give you all a little back story. So my boyfriend moved from a very small town to a bigger one when his parents divorced, and with being from a small town, all his friends are lifelong friends. They are all very different in personality and type of person, but they are all basically blood brothers. So my boyfriend drives home one day (usually on the weekends) to see his mom and his friends. Not all of his friends can hang out in the same session, so he splits them up to make sure he doesn’t lose any, and frankly, a lot of them don’t deserve his time.
Now to my problem. I don’t have many friends, or even life long friends at that. I’ve always been the type of person to put my boyfriend before my friends, because he is the one I am intending on spending the rest of my life with. That is where he and I are different. He has never had a serious relationship, and I’ve had too many. So when it boils down to our beliefs and “basics” in a relationship, they are completely different. We’ve been together for three years, and the difference in our opinions have caused many fights between us. We have both now found a common ground in our stubborn ways.
This isn’t an article on how to even out the score or game board or anything. It’s more of me trying to offer advice to people in the same shoes as I am.
I always considered myself “his girl” and never my own purpose. So when my ex fiancée broke up with me, I was devastated. I was lost in myself and had no idea who was looking back at me in the mirror. I never considered myself my own person, until the light bulb came on.
I learned from this experience with him that it’s almost essential to have time alone and away from each other. I’m the type of person to throw myself into a relationship 100 percent, because I thought without that, a relationship can’t survive. He has taught me that space is good, and even great because it will offer you two time away, and time to be yourselves with no expectations. I used to sit and wait for him to either not have plans, or make plans with me, and if I had previous plans I would cancel them for him. I’ve since then learned that things happen organically and you can’t just sit around and wait whether they have plans with others, or they just haven’t made plans with you particularly.
The most common scenario would be that I would try to make plans with him, and he would respond with “if I have no other plans, we can make plans,” which obviously isn’t healthy either; or he would forget about our plans and just make them with other people.
So now, rather than sitting around waiting for his text, I do something for myself. I’ve learned that it is way more important to take care of yourself before anyone else. As previously stated, I don’t have a lot of friends so it’s hard to make plans all the time. But when my friends aren’t available, I learned to have a lot of me time.
The things I learned to do in my spare time were just small simple things. Most things included tea/coffee, and Netflix because in the beginning I was brooding about this problem I thought was going to end our relationship. But as time went on, I learned to do other things. So what helped me the most were things like reading a book, taking a walk for fresh air, going to the gym, planning a grocery list, or taking a hot shower or bath with a nice smelling candle, face mask and shaving my legs. I even went to the movies and dinners by myself, just because I wanted to.
Now of course, everyone is different and like different things, but what I started with was a list. A list that was likes and dislikes, and even so far as to include things I think I could improve about myself. I knew that I loved reading, but I hated learning. So I would venture into self development books to learn and read. Also having those perspectives are really great, and self development books are so underrated. I would spend time drawing, just to develop my artistic skill, and set small daily goals to help me keep distracted and in a great mindset. After the first month of keeping myself busy and trying not to get angry every time my boyfriend said he had plans, everything else slowly became natural.
I learned in this time that no one else can help you grow and become a better person, but you. No one can push you to help yourself, or tell you that you are being an overly attached person, but you. Mind you, it took me a good year to learn this, but I’m glad I realized it when I did.
It’s helped me and my relationship reach a middle ground, and grow into someone I’m proud of being, and someone who is solely me. I learned that you are the longest relationship you will ever have, and you need to cherish that and appreciate that. You are your own home, and you belong to no one. You are a warrior and you don’t need anyone to push you or break you. You are all the stars and the universe together. And no one is you.
Thank you for reading.