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Loving When Loving Hurts

A Lesson in Forgiveness

By Jamie WallinPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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Courtesy of Paint, 2018. Don't make fun!  :) 

People are flawed, full of good intentions perhaps even when their actions aren't what we hoped for. Or maybe their hearts are callous and they planned for you to hurt from the beginning. Either way, the receiving end of the hurt never feels good. So how do we love when loving hurts?

It's a rare phenomenon—completely counter-cultural. Some may even say it's backwards or cray cray. When loving hurts, we love through forgiveness.

How to Forgive

Trust me, I've been hurt a time or two just like you. Forgiving our offenders is not an easy task but it's really true that unforgiveness doesn't hurt the offender; it hurts you. Chances are that they've moved on and here you are, after experiencing what they did, still stuck. Double whammy.

Forgiveness isn't saying there doesn't have to be any consequences. It's not even a promise that relations will remain. Forgiveness is a choice.

Forgiveness means you let them off the hook for what they did, you don't want them suffer for what they've done, and in doing so you unhook yourself from the offender and the offense.

It's choosing to heal.

Types of Hurt

Forgiveness can be an often daily choice if the hurt is severe enough. Your baby sister ate the last of the cookies, and you really wanted that cookie, but it's done and over with so you choose to let it go. That's not so severe or deep a cut like the betrayal of a friend, the misstep of your leadership, or the murder of one you loved.

There's a selfish hurt and then there's a righteous hurt. Selfish hurts are where you are legitimately hurt, but it's all about you. Righteous hurts are hurts where the offender's actions hurt other people and you experience righteous anger over their actions because you love and care for them.

The offender stole things you'll never get back, or they hurt other people you really care about, and now your life and the lives of others is radically different, unable to get back to being the same. Or maybe things need to change where they have the power to make it happen and there is none. It's these types of hurts that require perhaps a more attentive forgiveness, where the work is more intentional.

It helps if we can make it audible. Literally say out loud: "I forgive _________ for __________."

Recognize it, name it, and don't wallow.

Sometimes the offense is so deep we don't want to look at it. Victims of rape or any type of sexual assault may bury the pain deep inside, and that's not what we want to do either. Whatever and however you were hurt, it's important to name the how. This will propel us on toward healing.

There's the other end of the spectrum too, where we can choose to wallow in our hurts. We can repeat over and over and over inside our minds and meditate on how "they" did "this" to me. That's a sign of ongoing and needed healing. There's no shame if this is where you are in your hurt, but it's not the final destination. It's not where we want to stay.

Risk your heart.

After we've done the work of forgiveness in our hearts, the next step is to risk. Risk loving again. Risk going out on that next date. Risk going to the next concert. Risk hosting another fundraiser for that cause that's so close to you. Risk trusting again. Feel again.

Of course, you could get hurt again. People are flawed. You may have to repeat what we just walked through. But risking and choosing to love is better than living life shut off, self-protecting from all the beautiful things that could and can happen if only we risk.

So go on. Do it. Be bold. Pray it through. And make the choice to love, even when loving can hurt.

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