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Low Self-Esteem

Standing in the mirror, I barely recognized my eyes that were full of life and the smile that stretched from ear to ear, when did I ever stop loving her?

By Sam VillemairePublished 6 years ago 4 min read
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Sketch by Sam Villemaire. (IG | Twitter: @samvillemaire)

I used to question myself every single day "Who Am I?" Who is the girl behind the tired, dark brown eyes and shy smile? I could piece together fragments of myself but they never fit together. It's almost like I was trapped inside of my body, waiting to be set free. Parts of myself would escape from my caged sad soul and flash glimpses inside of my mind of a happier life with endless possibilities. Standing in the mirror, I barely recognized my eyes that were full of life and the smile that stretched from ear to ear, when did I ever stop loving her? My hands slowly moved towards my reflection, but as soon as my fingertips made contact, I disappeared. Just like that, she was gone.

Never in my life did I ever have trouble loving others, so it's difficult to understand why it's so hard to love me. I would spend the majority of my time picking myself apart, finding every negative physical and emotional characteristic to hate on. Nothing made me feel pretty. I would apply makeup, wear nice clothes, and still hate the way I looked so I stripped myself down, showered, and laid in bed instead of going out with my friends. I found myself avoiding meals whenever I could, I wouldn't even want to go out for dinner with my family to my favorite restaurants. When I was 13 years old, I learned a lot about self-harm, scars only made it worse. Growing up, I cared about how much taller I was compared to other girls, how much I weighed, how thick my eyebrows were, how thin and unstraight my hair was, my acne, my freckles, how twisted my teeth were, the list goes on.

I'm 20 years old now and I just recently learned to love and care for myself. Why? Heartbreak. My self-esteem dropped to an all-time low when I lost the first true love of my life. After four years of giving love that I didn't have to give myself, he decided that it was best if we focused on ourselves before starting to love one another again. I was devastated, I lost my absolute best friend and myself entirely. I didn't eat for a mere two weeks straight, I cried to myself when I woke up and before I went to bed, often finding myself showering in the middle of the day to hide my tears from my family. I became an alcoholic, drinking myself into amnesia to forget him leaving until I couldn't feel anymore. Once my vision unblurred, I realized I was even more lonely than before. Slowly but surely after months of being a drunk mess, I realized I will love and be loved again, I wouldn't be this miserable forever. You can't truly love someone else unless you love yourself first and being loved won't rescue you from loving yourself. With time, I was able to post more on social media, I was healthily losing and keeping weight off, I went out with friends almost every single day whether it was to little cafés or wild clubs. I became closer with my family who I've distanced myself from for years. I set up a plan for myself to go to college and study something I really had a passion for. Suddenly, this anti-social sad girl became the most social, motivated individual I have ever known. Each day I learned more and more about myself, I couldn't believe it. There are still parts of myself I don't like, there are still things I am learning but I am happy.

To the people who are:

  • Too sad to get out of bed and go to school
  • Drinking to hide from their problems
  • Crying while staring at themselves in the mirror criticizing every inch of their body
  • Watching the one they love, love somebody else
  • Wearing long sleeves in the middle of the summer to hide their scars
  • Doing drugs to feel normal in society
  • Afraid to go home and hear their parents argue
  • Having a hard time keeping their dinner down because they aren't 2 pounds lighter

And to whoever is reading this, I love you. Discover your self-worth. Most of the human population suffers from self-esteem problems. There is no such thing as self-esteem being too high. Find the ability to love and understand who you are as a person.

Now asking myself the same question, "Who Am I?" The answer is surely not my weight, height, age, gender or ethnicity, I am all of my favorite things from books to songs to what I eat for breakfast. I am my thoughts, I am not where I am from, I am where I am going, and I want to see you go there too.

We see a reflection in the mirror, we hear and think negative things about ourselves and it never ends. Self-hatred leads to sadness and sadness leads to a poorly lived life. Think about all of the positive qualities. Think about all of the positive actions you do, even the small ones; Do you recycle? Do you help your younger sibling with homework? These things are so beneficial and define you as a human. Your character will shine through more than what we see on the outside of your body. You're loved by somebody in this world, even if it's only me, you matter, you have a purpose here.

Love yourselves a little more and criticize a little less.

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About the Creator

Sam Villemaire

Sam is a student from Canada who is fond of literature and writing, but also concerned deeply about the ecological issues that plague our planet. She hopes to cause awareness through empathy and spread the word of love for our home, Earth.

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