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Makes Me Think All I See Ruins Around Me Knocking the Wind out of Me

It's not real. It isn't.

By Emily ValdezPublished 6 years ago 4 min read
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I think about you fairly often. Almost every day. It's not love. It can't be.

I've dreamt about you before though you have no idea.

I have tried so many times to put into words how I feel. This will be my official way of trying to express it.

Let's begin with my dream. We need a starting point.

I was at your friend's house playing some video games with him and you called. You came over and joined us. I watched you two play some game together until your friend handed me the controller and asked me to try. I explained that I would only smash buttons and we all laughed. Your friend tried to help me and I did well enough. I may have won a game or two but you were so happy for me I must have. They way you watched me.. I could see it but I guess I ignored it for a while.

We moved onto a different game. Sort of like Twenty Questions. Coincidentally your friend set you up in a way that you had to admit you liked me. We both blushed and brushed it off trying to move on. You two were laying down on his bed while I sat criss-cross in the middle facing you two. You guys started poking fun at me and it was cute. Watching you all laugh. Your smile and how your eyes light up with mirth.

~Time skipping~

A new room showed up for you and I. You picked me up and threw me over your shoulder in one swift movement. We disappear down a long dark hallway with a few lights lining the walls enough to follow the path. At the end of the hall is a door which you opened and somehow we were at a fairly empty house. Only a few large pieces of furniture or miscellaneous items were around. You carried me to the couch and we sat down in a big heap. You pulled my legs across your lap and stroked my arm and my legs. I rested my head on your shoulder. Your touches were feather light, but I could still sense them enough that I got goosebumps. You spoke low and soft as the silence was deafening. "I have you all to myself for awhile." You spoke into my ear and I shivered. I mentioned that you must really like me like your friend said and you stopped touching my legs and stiffened. You leaned over me suddenly as if you wanted to kiss me, but you remained close, not touching... "You have no idea how much I really like you." You told me in a breathy low tone, and you kissed me hard after that. Full of emotions I couldn't even try to explain.

I remember lying between your legs with my back to your chest and you holding onto me. You would stroke my arm lazily with your right hand and your left hand across my waist holding me close. I played with your left hand sometimes as I leaned into with my head under your chin. I turned my head up and toward you. You smiled so wonderfully and kissed my forehead making me close my eyes and smile happily. You kissed my lips. I told you softly that I never wanted this to end. You told me neither did you.

Sadly, I was starting to wake up... I could feel it. My dream reality slipping. I could feel you disappearing from my mind and I turned to you swiftly. "I care about you so so much." You smiled at me the way you always did, "I know."

Then you were gone. And I was awake and alone and missing you when you were never even there. Phantom feelings longing for a fake reality. Dying to go back to sleep just to see you for a second smiling at me. You smiled with love...

So that is my starting point. How this went was the turning point for me. It was a moment I realized how strong my feelings are. Whatever they are.

I think about you and I just want to see you. Missed opportunities and chances to do that always shattered my heart a bit more. I can't get you out of my head, and when I try to think of words to explain everything to someone who doesn't understand, all I want to do is yell, "UGH!" and babble incoherently. Nothing works. I can't find a way to express how I feel without feeling crazy.

I just hoped writing this would clarify it. I don't think it did. All I know is that it can't be love. It can't be because of one BIG reason.

How can I feel so strongly? So deeply in my soul, a feeling I can't shake for someone...

Someone I have never even met.

love
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About the Creator

Emily Valdez

Some of my posts are from when I was full of teen angst. I wrote mostly through the roller coaster of a relationship like all teens have at one point. Some other stuff is newer and less dark. Hope you give it all a chance. Happy reading.

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