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Male Delivery

When He Brings the Male

By jem cottanPublished 5 years ago 4 min read
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It was big time pressure for Dave at the post office today. It was time for him to finally post the mail he had been longing to post all year.

The day began like any other; he got up, dressed, ate his oats, sang to his cat, and scurried out the door and through his apartment lobby right on track for being 10 minutes late. Which was really quite unbelievable considering this was his only time where his post man skills would finally be paid off.

At work, he was greeted by the receptionist, Lucy: a pretty, petite brunette who he'd been in love with for over a year.

"Hi, Dave..." Lucy purred seductively as she winked at him.

Dave looked at her with stoney eyes, "Don't talk to me before my morning coffee."

As you can tell, Dave was a very friendly postman, even to the love of his life. Sometimes, when he was feeling especially amiable, he would sneak up behind her desk with his ruler and adjust the height of her desk chair by 3 millimeters. This would always put a grin on his grumpy face as he glided away. This was one of the traits Lucy loved about Dave, he was such a goofball. Some of the audience may not have realised this, but Lucy was serious about Dave, even when he was goofing around. Alas, Dave's love for Lucy fell short when Lucy's sister, Margaret Thatcher walked through the doors of the reception. His heart went boom boom. He fainted. Lucy cried. Maggie laughed.

When Dave woke up, he found himself surrounded by a multitude of clones of Margaret Thatcher. She was everywhere. It was like heaven.

He groaned as Lucy dabbed her handkerchief on his face. He looked at Maggie and they both seemed to be thinking the same thing: she's a bit keen. Since Lucy could read minds, she knew exactly what those two were thinking. In an instant, she huffed away in anger and took a little nibble of Dave's croissant on the way.

"Hey!" said Dave, in shock, "That's not a croissant, that's my wife."

The croissant yelled in rage, "My name is not croissant! It's Gordon Ramsey and I demand respect!" She stormed off, her flesh still in Lucy's awestricken mouth. A trail of blood followed Gordon out as she muttered, "What a bloody piss take."

Dave sat up biting his lip in confusion. "The milk..." he remembered as he sprinted to the fridge. Suddenly, his knees were weak, his vision was blurred, he was stumbling to the other side of the post office. Maggie watched from behind him, admiring his weak, frantic dadbod. When he reached the kitchen, he took the milk out of the sweaty fridge and watched intensely as the solidified milk dripped little by little onto the cold ground.

"NO," he wailed as he broke down into tears surrounded by curdles of milk.

Whilst the office's attention was taken up by Dave being extra, their boss was lurking behind the door, eyes glinting at the chaos unfolding. He turned around to face his wall, which was covered in masses and masses of very yellow pee pee.

"OK, who's done it this time?" the boss said, defeated.

"It was Becky!" Maggie, Lucy and Dave yelled simultaneously.

"As per usual," Gordon muttered as he sneakily creeped in.

Pee pee was their code for ramen noodles—the office hated how much Becky loved ramen so they all decided to call it pee pee whenever Becky got too crazy with the ramen. Now every time she spoke, someone tried to sit on her like she was nothing but a toilet seat. Becky sat there crying with nothing but ramen in her pockets. Sometimes the ramen started to cry too. The tears would flow down the waves in the noodles and collect at the bottom. It became an office ritual to rinse out the ramen and make a soup out of its juicy tears. They called it sad sad soupy time.

As Gordon was limping around the boss' room, his wound started to bleed him out, Lucy wailed in the corner. She'd lost what she always thought she'd have: Dave's heart. It was time, again, for sad sad soupy time. Dave never even got to post his mail. After he drowned in Becky's tears, Margaret stole his heart. Right out of his dadbod.

satire
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About the Creator

jem cottan

Hi! Finally found a place to put some of my writing out, enjoy :)

(btw might not be that good, but it's a start!)

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